Disclaimer: This is not a part of Movies by Yummy Dingding. This is a story about me.... and a friend. Click here to view our first unfinished lovestory....

It was not so long ago.... Five lonely months had already passed.... And all this time we were trying to fix things between us. I know he had been trying so hard to get near me but I always push him away... I tried sometimes to let him come near me and start to be kind to him again but I find myself sometimes stupid... I get mad again... I hurt him unconciously... I become sarcastic... After realizing that I ranaway again.

I am so confused on my feelings.. I feel like a fool.. I can't understand myself... cause at times I feel that I am okay being with him and sometimes yesterday would flash back into my mind then here comes my anger again...

I tried to love somebody else... I got into two relationships... they were only failures.. It added to the injury I felt in my heart. My love affair right after him was like I was the other woman... (my ex who's in a band)... and then my not so recent ex who's an ex moderator in rakista.com.... I never felt appreciated. It felt like he only proposed to me on RR7 just to show those people there that he has a new girlfriend... I thought that he was different... but he's just like those guys that feel they are really a man if they get girls as many as they want and then just leave them... I am not dropping any names here.

So many days and months had passed... My so called ex-bestfriend comes back again to ask for my affection... He now confesses to me that he still loves me. And he was like following me every where... especially in school though he's not enrolled this semester.

I feel in my heart that he's not yet erased... But that doesn't mean that my love for him before and now is still the same... I lost my trust in him... And I don't know how to give it to him again.

I was so happy to hear his confession but my fear is much stronger.

This thing really freaks me out.

My newly finished Deviant ID

 

Hmmm back to school na kasi hehe XD

Actually I dont really know where will I place this quotes from some of my closest friends LOLs. But I value most of this messages... Paminsan minsan pag naliligaw ako sa landas ng buhay ko ayun ito na lang binabasa ko para bumalik ako sa right track.

* December 12, 2007 9:43 PM

 "Things I've just learned....

"In this world, its hard to tell who's true and who's not; people may be good at the beginning and be cruel in the end; if you are too trusting, they'll take advantage of you; if they know you're weak;  they'll hurt you after loving them, they'll leave you. Never allow somebody to be your priority when in fact you're just his/her option. Sometimes it just feels good to fall inlove but most of the times, it hurts...." 

 - Andrew [popoyclaw]

*December 13, 2007

"Those who have hurt in the past cannot continue to hurt you now unless you hold on to the pain through resentment. Your past is past! Nothing will change it. You are only hurting yourself with your bitterness. For your own sake, learn from it, and let it go."

- Connie

*January 03, 2008

08:06 PM

"You can close your eyes from the things you don't want to see... but you can never close your heart from the things you don't want to feel..."

- Iara [chu chu]

April 20, 2008

11:04 PM

"Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka wag mong sisisihin ang puso mo, tumitibok lang yan para makapagsupply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa Anatomy at ang sisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyayari sa'yo... Kundi IKAW mismo!"

-Keyos

Good night. XD. Reality sucks. Sometimes...

Who Am I to You? by Yummy Rivera Dingding
This is the first time
I've ever felt so lonely
Wish you had the descency to care
It's funny cause I think
This is going to work out
But here I am waking up
to my illusions...

I thought you were different
Up until you finally told me
you Love me.... (do you really love me?)
But I never felt you loved me at all..

Finally figured out you're just making up stories

Every time I wanna make you smile...
You always turn to your bottle of beer...
Who am I to you?
Why do you want me beside you?

 

 

Now playing LOST IN YOU by ASH

Seven years has passed;

But still I cant forget the past

The unforgetful friendship

The ending of a relationship

You and me still remain the same

Feels like its gonna start once again.

 

He is myself-inflicted pain;
my blameworthy experience
that I never would want to happen again;
my ignorance;
a spat on my face;
a vow that's broken;
a friend that I wish I never had;
the reason why I have all these tears flowing down on my cheeks;
once a beautiful dream and yet turned out to be a nightmare...
a very fragrant flower which I picked
and never realized that it has many thorns...
the clown of my life who once made me smile;
but became a vampire who suck my blood;
and ripped my heart out....
a person who I wish remained a stranger;
a gambler who always wins;
the reason why.......

*Kun - a term that is referring to boys in Japanese culture.

Its a Saturday. Every thing will be usual today as what Clint thought it would be. He woke up at around 9:00AM. Naligo, kumain, umalis ng walang paalam.

Palagi namang ganun ang ginagawa niya sa bahay nila. Iniisip niya na may kanya kanyang buhay sila ng kanyang mga magulang. Naiisip niya na marahil ang kanyang magulang ay tanging pagbibigay lamang ng pera ang iniintindi nito sa kanya... Wala nang iba. Palagi na lang silang busy sa mga business meetings at business trips.

Tutal solo naman syang anak kaya sariling sikap na lang siya sa pag aliw sa sarili nya.

Loner siya.... And he's favorite thing to do is watching dvd's alone by himself.

Nagtatali na siya ng sintas... Patingin tingin sa salamin... Ginugulo ang buhok... Lumakad na papalabas ng bahay... Sakay ng kanyang kotse pumunta sa suki niyang video rental house.

Renta na naman ng mga panibagong dvd's.

Pagpasok sa video rental house ay tango agad sa cashier na lalaki.. Sa tagal ba naman niyang suki ay kilala na ang pagmumukha niya doon.

Himala nitong araw na ito dahil wala naman siyang mapiling rerentahin niya. Paikot ikot siya sa mga estante.. Pero wala pa rin siyang mapili.. Napansin yata siya nung isang babaeng naroroon din..

"Ito oh maganda..."

Sabay abot sa kanya ng dvd... The Wedding Singer starring Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler.

Alam niya ang pelikulang ito pero kahit kailan di pa niya napapanood.. Nginitian niya ang babae...

"Salamat." Yun lang ang nasabi niya.

Napaisip siya kung bakit yun ang nirecommend sa kanya nung babae na panoodin niya... Agad niya itong binayaran sabay umuwi na. Habang pasakay na sa kanyang kotse ay natanaw pa niya ang babae na naglalakbay palayo.

"Sana makita ko ulit siya..."

 

This is my original blog. Hahaha.. I decided to also dress this one up. Sinunod ko na lang yung title ng "Red Shoe Diaries" ko sa Mukamo! Pinoy Forums.

I will be posting here some of my works on poetry, art and whatever.. Medyo nagkalabo labo lang hahaha. This was supposed to be my personal diary but then mukhang doon ko lahat nailagay sa "Pangitain" which was supposed to be for my works.

Sana dito naman kayo magcomment if ever maglagay ako ng works ko dito. Maraming pong salamat. Thank you.

Wonder what's this all about? I am planning to dress up this blog... Cause nobody reads this I guess... I am gonna start doing some layouts for this..

Theme: Red and black.

Hmm... Mukhang macabre na naman ang category nito hahaha. XD.

Ok sige nadaan lang.

No matter I tried to keep my silence about this recent heartbreak I have experienced... My eyes won't let me hide the tears that are about to escape!

I still remember the first I laid eyes on him... He looked at me... And then that started it all.

Things happened so fast... I never realized it would soon all end soon..

Ang mga bagay na nakuha mo nang madali ay madali ring mawawala sayo...

or should I say... Madaling pagsasawaan.

No words can explain the grief I still feel upon hearing the news about her death... summer of last year... 3 days from now... will be her death anniversarry...

She's the mother of my mother... She's my dearly beloved lola.

She was the one who took care of me when I was small... She moved from RT Lim to Pagadian just to be with my mom and me...

She stayed for about a period of 4 years... And then going back and forth from our province and then to their farm.... But when our family moved here in Manila.. Things changed...

8 years had past... Then came this news about her illness... So many speculations about it.. Damn it! Someone even told my aunts that my Lola was victimized by witches... mambabarang... Damn it. My mom got so depressed about it. I was attending  summer classes at that time.. We tried every thing we could to support her medication... even if we are here.

When her operation was already done... we thought that she was already recovering from her illness... But after the 8th day... she passed away...

I was watching the tv (Miss Universe Coronation) when my mom called me... and she was crying on the phone.. and told me the news.. I was speechless.

I went outside to call my Papa about it... (We were also having a family problem at that time.... My Papa wanted to ran away home... he already packed his things..)

After telling my Papa... Slowly, I felt like my heart was crushed... I began to cry while eating my lunch... I cried the whole afternoon...

Days had passed.. My Mama and Papa decided that we (me and Mama) should fly to Zamboanga... It didn't feel right... Uuwi lang kasi may namatay...

The moment I saw my Lola's house... I cried...

My Lola was a cathecist.. She teaches Religion subject to a public school just five minutes away from their house... She was very hardworking and very helpful.

It was really overwhelming every time I see people that we really don't know come over to give respect to her... (Including how many cousins I have their hahaha... I hardly know them..)

I just wish that she'll be happy wherever she is right now....

Dear Spidey;

I miss the times when we were together. I'm sorry if I turned away from you... I never listened to what you wanna tell me, you never had the chance to explain your side.

It still hurts each time I see you walking on my direction. You really would wanna talk to me, but I just cant manage my anger.

You were my only real friend in college, I dont want to hate you forever. I dont want to tell you bad things....I dont want to mock words at your face... though I want revenge...

I really cant understand myself. I really hate this feeling.

I'm sorry if I was carried away.

Most of all, I'm sorry if I stepped out of the line.

Should I be the one to blame? I fell for your imperfections. And I believed in all that you say. It was really a bullcrap. A very big mistake on my part.

We cant really be more than friends. I am sorry.

I am sorry if I fell hard. I am sorry for hating you. I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I destroyed our friendship, that I left you standing all alone... I am sorry cause I leave and never turned back again.

I hope we'll smile at each other like before... I hope things will be go back like they were before... I missed you so much. See you on my birthday.

Always;

Yum

The summer of this year is what I consider the longest summer I ever had... It started not quite happy and ended unhappy... hmmm... I don't really know how would I describe the things that happened last summer...

The semester ended so messy because of "3's" and a curvy "5" which I think I don't really deserve... Then I decided to take up summer classes so that I can granduate by the year 2010... I had a not so nice summer classes causes the schedule is undesirable... I have so many vacants, so I think I spend the summer just hanging out with my friends and in internet cafes.... My life was so boring, I don't even know how to tell a story about me cause I cannot even thought of a beautiful memory...

Maybe cause I was an outcast... a loner...

I really hated my calculus subject and those other classmates... Hayyy... They're those people that I think should recieve a "plastik alarm awww!".

It was horrible cause I failed in that subject... I didn't know how can I tell my parents, especially my mon cause I was so scared... and of course, I am so ashamed of myself.

But eventually I had the courage to tell her... and surprisingly she didn't angry or whatever... She just told me take up that subject in the coming semester....

I still feel ashamed of myself...I think I am stupid.

My grandmother was in "bingit ng kamatayan" because of an illness... She was having intestinal bleeding and difficulty in her bowel movement as well as eating...

At that time my parents were not in good terms... My father has always been a drunk ass fool.... I don't really understand why would he be always drinking and crying and mocking words at me and mom... we'rent like those people naman na bungangera and I wasn't playing in school...

My mom would always be in deep thought... she would always be in the backyard of her office and sweep the dry leaves while having these thoughts and problems about my father and my lola...

While I was always faraway... and thinking of the same things too.. I rarely go home early cause I don't want arguments and silly fights...

I know my mom was really problematic... I know she feels defeated.... I know that we run out of funds...
I wanted to help her... But I don't know how... I feel so useless to her cause I was always rejected for jobs that I tried to apply...

All that I can do for her is to accompany her to church and pray for lola...

And then when the time came... my father was really holding his pride he was preparing his luggage and was asking me where will he buy tickets for Pagadian....

I was eating lunch when mom told me the news... she was crying... I lost my mind for a moment... But i looked for my father...

They talked to each other while I was staring at the window... I wasn't aware that my tears were falling on my cheeks... I went back to the room and sitted infront of the table and I cried so hard that I think I died because of the pain I was feeling in my heart...

There were many flash backs inside of my head... of me running around the school when I was a kid and my lola who chasing me, asking me to go home...

So many questions came.... but I know that there are no more answers to all of that cause she was already gone...

All that is left for us is regret.

My mom and I decided to travel to the province for her burial... I was so overwhelm with everything that goes there... I cried again the very moment I stepped down to their grounds, realizing that I'll be seeing my lola again but inside the coffin... and I'll being seeing mom crying again...

I was so overwhelmed by those people whom I cannot even remember but knows me... My cousins whom I first met maybe when I was just around 5 years old... they all remember me.. but I already forgotten most of them... I don't know how I would I feel about it....

I was so overwhelmed by the  amount of people  who visited the vigil and tell stories about my lola... Stories about her as a cathecist, a volunteer teacher and her kindness to them....

I only felt happy every time I had a small chat with some of my cousins... theres so many of them... You will mistaken us as a barrio..

It was like an adventure at the same time cause I never experienced living in "kabukiran"...  It was  so exhausting... the  water, the cooking and etc.  I feel sorry for my cousins because of these things...

I was surprised one night when my mom told me that I should help them and send them to school...
I told her "wahhh, grabe ka naman baka di na ako makapag-asawa niyan andame nila!"

But seriously I am thinking of that now... That is one of my mission.

I got bored there sometime, and then theres this thought about someone...
He was one of the things that makes me wanna go back to Manila.... I was really confuse about my feelings towards him... He could be my typical guy friends... but slowly as each day passes by he became somewhat special to me... No amount of words would describe my feelings...

I know that I really like him...

But don't know if he really likes me or if he just wants to play with me...
Maybe; he is just like those in the past...

I keep telling myself... yeahh were friends.

Dream on bitch.

Hmmm... sometimes I just want to sleep so that I could stop thinking about this crazy things inside my mind... so that I could stop scratching the scars in my heart... so that I can forget that I am all alone....
But all of these things are part of my life... all of these things are real...

Finally... I wish that things would go better for me and my mother...

That was the longest summer I ever had in my life... malungkot. But I learn so many things in life...
Something inside me awaken...

Now I know how much time is really worth...

I wont let it pass by and let anyone went away without them knowing how much I love them...

Now I know that I should be thanking God cause I dont experience these things that others do just to live....

Hmmm... hayy talk is cheap...  I know that I should put all of this things in my head...

Hello guys, are you able to check that show at the Bay Area in Roxas Blvd last May 19?

Wow, the band was really really great! Hmmm... I heard the livestream of NU 107on the airwaves...

Kaya lang nakakapikon kasi kina-cut nila pag nag-a-update kaasar!

I wasnt able to come because of somethings concerning our family's problems... I'll tell you later about it...

 

Nakakatawa pala si Miggy, he told the crowd shout their names in chorus... Hahaha, ibang klaseng gimik talaga yun... He told the crowd that the band wanted to know all the people who were there that night... and then he told them "Hehehe, ayan magkakakilala na tayo"... hehe corny ko noh.... hay Chicosci lang makakapagpasaya sa akin ngayon eh.

 

Hmmm... the following night... On Rock and Radio Show on NU they had a topic regarding the copyright laws and contracts of the artists... Hmmm.... Miggy was supposed to come but he didnt make it.. Ewan ko kung bakit...

 

They were asked is it good na manggayaya....

What can he say regarding this gaya gaya thing....?

 

Probably they were asked because of the gaya gaya issue of chicosci sa mcr cguro...

 

sabi niya they're not really doing gaya-gaya... its just that, di nauubusan ng taong may opinyon!

 

Hmmm... nga pala guys baka this week and the other weeks to come i might be able to post comments and topics... hmmm, cause i might be going to Pagadian City, Zamboanga del sur....

 

My lola is ill kasi...nakaschedule siya for opeartion today.. we're now in crisis... and tita is also ill with breast cancer naman...

 

we'll i dont know why this is all happening... pero sana we can get through it all, at sana i wont lose anyone of them... help me pray for their safety... thanks...

 

text me na lang for details on upcoming gigs...sa pagbabalik ko i'll join the vampire social club again.....

09214445354

 

thanks......

why do we still ask the things that arent our business anymore? di ko na magets kung bakit ang gulo ng mundo when it shouldnt be that way anymore... i shouldnt also be affected about the thngs other people say and do anyway wala namang kwenta....

im better off alone, i find peace all by myself than trying to fit in to the others who dont even understand me..

tanggap ko na ba?

i heard this song... i dont understand why, why, or how will i relate myself to this song according to what my friend is trying to tell me... hmmm... she told me that events of my life this month will be like what song says....

"if only you can hear me shout your name....if only you could feel my love again the stars in the sky will never be the same...."

i am now very confused... about so many things that happened to me in the past... i remembered something that i never would want to remember... i am not yet ready to let go of that something.... that someone.... even when he left me without saying that he loved me...

i am still crying... because of that past love. i am still not ready to let go of that... even though its impossible, and that someone is really unworthy of it...

i want him back. but its better this way.

He knew me since last summer.... (last year). Ewan ko ba kung bakit parang he was keeping on saying these things to me na parang di naman kapani-paniwala for me... saying that he was inlove with me kahit  na wala pang isang linggo kaming nagkakilala.

Di ako naniniwala siguro sa sinasabi niyang love at first sight. Waaahhh, nakokornihan ako.

By the time he was telling me about his feelings for me, I was starting to get bothered because I had a boyfriend at that moment... but he was not around. He was in their province. Kakasagot ko lang din sa kanya nun... although I never have that security that he'll stay with me.

I told him about my boyfriend, and he was really really hurt...  Medyo nakokonsensiya ako although I know that I should not have to feel that way...

I began to feel afraid because he told me that he will wait for the time para sa amin.

And then came the time na kinatatakutan ko, ang pag-alis ng boyfriend ko papuntang Japan to be with his family...

I started to blame myself why...  Bakit pa nga ba ako pumayag na maging kami when he cant stay with me?

Madalas kong sinisisi ang nationality ng tatay niya. Ang tatay niya....

Pero ano ba ang gagawin ko... ayaw ko na talaga???

 

 

hmmm... 2 days ago i had a silly fight with a friend... ( hmmm... actually di kami close), whom nakilala ko lang sa internet.

hmmmm...in the site of one of my favorite bands. and then we started to text each other.

 

one day,  she wanted to borrow a cd, pero di ko mapahiram sa kanya because i am not allowed to go outside the house kapag walang pasok.

 and then she started to send messages like these to me:

" you know what, i think i can prove that i'm more emo than you..."

hmmm... at first i thought she was joking, or she didn't really mean anything.

so i just said "hmmm... okay";

since i dont want to fight just because of her silly statement....

but then, she goes like:  " ohhh,, come on yummy defend yourself.

 

and then i said to her; "what are you trying to dig up ha?"

i was really really shocked... because of her answers..

" go ahead, speak english i am not afraid cause i am literate in the language..."

" i know that you're emo, but i think i can prove it than you..."

 

and then i started to answer her.... :

"you know what you are so silly,"

"i dont think that there should be a competition with that matter"

"i am not expecting these things from you, i was surprise..."

"i was just wondering, why there are people in this world like you..."

"i am disgusted,"

" its a bullcrap"

 

and then after a few moments.... she answered me:" yummy,  i was just  joking..."

in the back of my mind...

" joke ba yun more than 30 minutes na kami nag aaway.... stupid! duwag pala ito e"

 

i told her: " i lost interest in making a good friendship with you, because of the things that you said, you revealed more about yourself, and the thing is that i dont like it..."

and then she answered:" ayw mo rin kasing magpatalo eh,  prangka kasi akong tao eh..."

i told her: "di talaga ako papatalo, especially if im right, ..... you knw what ; being prangka is not an excuse to say things like that it may not mean anything to you... but for me it may mean so much. or naapakan na ako, you have to use your head.... di lang puro yabang, one more thing pala.... ang pinakaayaw ko sa lahat sa tao is yung feeling..."

she says: " di naman makitid ang utak ko para di ko maintindihan ang point mo... sorry"

i told her: " hayyy... ginalit mo na ako, nasaktan mo na ako. i dont know. naiinis talaga ako. kaya i dont think matatanggap ko yang sorry mo.. hmmm... anyways i will never ever start any conversations with you again...."

she answered me like this:" i am really sorry.... i think its time to change."

 

after hours and hours...

she txted again.

"sory..."

i told her:" okay"

but i told her na mahirap akong makaovercome ng galit.

and then she said: "di mo ba alam na ang tapang mo?'

in my mind..."ewan ko... natural instinct ko lang to..., kasalanan mo yan ginalit mo ako."