11.19.2009 - Death Wake Recollections
Posted by Yummy
[NP MY HERO: Paramore (originally by Foo Fighters)]
Hello guys, its been days since I last wrote an entry again, its just that there's just too much, a lot of events had occured during the course of this week, I didn't have the time to examine much on the things that I should do or even my emotions.
Things are seemingly going back to normal for my family. Well my dad, I think he is sober now after almost 2 weeks of getting wasted and drunk. I really thought he would not mind going to my lolo's wake a few days ago upon receiving the news of my Lolo's death. My Lolo Victor died at the UERM Hospital last Tuesday. His health started to collapse almost a decade ago because he has suffered a mild stroke, this had made him paralyzed and unable to talk for the last years of his life. My relatives on my father's side were the ones who took care of him. I never really knew much about them, even their names, but I felt worried when I received the news. I was kinda surprised when my dad approached me days ago and told me that we should go to my lolo's wake. I felt a little glad, cause finally, after days and days of being like someone who doesn't care about himself, and what will happen to him, there he was... he cared about my Lolo, his uncle.
Days before receiving the news, I was stunned when I saw butterflies on my way to paying some bills in the morning. I always have this feeling about black butterflies being some sort of messengers of the dead people close to you or maybe your relatives sending out their goodbyes to their remaining loved ones. It felt weird... and then the news came.
Its a mixed of a happy sad reunion. My daddy was suddenly reunited with his cousins, and uncles, while I was introduced to my other cousins... and most specially I met some of my grandparents again. I saw Paolo again, and Kuya Eric.
Kuya Eric is special to me because he was the one who taught me how to play the guitar, he used to be in the under ground music scene, he loves punk and kundiman music LOL. I still can remember him teaching me to play those kinda songs but really, maybe I am not really musically gifted. I thank God that when he taught me how to play it was not the time where emo and the so called sell music was popular hahaha tatawagin din niya akong EMO. Tae. XD He is good in listening to a certain song and then after 5 minutes he can already play it, while I can't even tune my guitar but I can read tabs LOL, pero siya hindi XD.
I heard a lot of funny stories about my titos, titas, and specially about my other cousins at mga kalokohan nila.
Sabi nila parang di daw ako Dingding, di ako nainom, di ako nagsusugal hahaha. It comes naturally in our bloodline daw. Well maybe its because I am both Dingding and Rivera and all many others XD.
On the mass on his last day... I saw my relatives cried. It was really something I do not want to see. One of the saddest memories I've had was in my grandma's (my mom's mother) funeral upon arriving in Zamboanga, pagbaba ko palang ng habal habal although I was really exhausted I cried river of tears. And I saw it again. I was avoiding to look at the coffin or even touch it cause I did not want to cry.
Surprisingly di naman ako naiyak. Maybe because of exhaustion and many other things inside my head.
Right after the burial, my other cousin, Paolo approached me and told me he wanted to relocate my Lolo Melchor to the same cemetery where my Lolo Victor was burried. I felt touched. I know where ever my Lolo Melchor is he will be very happy to know that his favorite grandson cared about him so much.
After all of these things happened. Suddenly I felt like I need an overhaul for myself. Paminsan minsan naman lumingon ako dun sa mga kadugo ko kasi napakadami pala nila kahit walang okasyon di ko pa rin sila dapat kalimutan. Kailangan ko na din gisingin sarili ko na matagal nang di alam anong gagawin sa pagkakafrustrate sa Oriental Photographix na yan.
Maraming tao na katulad ng tita ko, na lubos na pinagpapala, di na nagrereklamo kahit na ang daming nakasandal sa kanya. Ang isa ko pang tita na ngayon nakikipaglaban sa cancer, na talaga namang kinasasama ng loob kong malaman na ganun ang kalagayan niya, di pa rin siya sumusuko.
Kaya wala akong karapatan pang hinaan ng loob. WALA! Wala kasi nagsisimula pa lang ako sa buhay ko! Madami pang darating.
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11.13.2009 - Feeling Much Lighter Now
Posted by Yummy
After writing my last post yesterday morning, here I am, feeling much better now.
I actually felt scared of opening my Facebook page when I woke up at noon today. Scared of what comments I might get from the people who read it. I cried when I read the comments. I do not know if its because I pity myself or its because I've recieved some sort of sympathy, understanding... and love from other people which I had been looking for so long.
I know I am much stronger than all the pain that I've been going through all these years. Thank God for all the strength that He has given me through those people who always believe in me specially my mom.
I am starting to reassemble some of the broken pieces of my being since I know I can't afford to be down again. I started with rennovating my online portfolio... 2 days ago, I was told not to report in the office anymore. Di pa ako nakakapagreport regularly sa work ko. It was so sudden, they rejected me, when they didn't let me prove myself to them. I went home silent... and broke the news to my mom. She tried to enlighten despite what happened. But me... I just lost my self-confidence and was so mad. I pretended though that I am still okay. But really, I am not.
I don't know when I can finally finish my online portfolio since I want it to be beautiful. I am having a real hard time finishing this because of my computer's problem. Daming trojan at worm. Hayyz. Ayun laging lag. Plus the tons amount of image files stored, and low RAM.
Here's the link of the draft of my online portfolio:
http://yummydingding.webs.com/v2/index.html
I'm still gonna edit some of the codes, di ko alam bakit naurong yung bg ammf. Wala pa ding laman yung ibang pages maliban sa HOME at ABOUT.
I am gonna use my online portfolio on finding models to shoot... FOR FREE in EXCHANGE I will give them the final frames and have them printed FOR FREE.
Sumaya din ako ngayon cause I had a fun conversation with Gerard. One of my ex's barkadas in Parkway. He wanted to conduct a photoshoot with me. We're both excited but its kinda difficult to find the props needed for the shoot. *DIES*
Sana talaga matuloy yun para masaya hehehe.
I am kinda addicted to Paramore's The Only Exception song lately... Parang natamaan ako sa bitterness niya sa love and then towards the end of the song she chooses to believe in it. It kinda made me think of him again., I haven't talked to him for 2 days na. Alam kong galit siya sa mundo ngayon due to some instances that happened 3 weeks ago. I've never seen him go mad like that. Nag-aalala ako.
Hmm so I think this wraps it up. Normal na ulit ako.
Good moorning gotta go to sleep.
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11.12.2009 - TRANQUILITY OF REALITY
Posted by Yummy
Growing up raised by a couple whose relationship is on the rocks since the beginning of their married life is like a living curse. It always makes me wonder how did they end up being together and decided to have their child... me? I often wonder how did their lovestory sounded like when I was a kid. I even asked more questions each time I see them fall apart. As I was molding myself to becoming an adult... my heart has become brittle.
I have no one with me since I have no siblings. That didn't seem to be a big deal to me, I like being alone most of the time. I feel contented with my being alone for I fear expressing my feelings and thoughts to other people and I don't want to be rejected. I don't wanna be insulted. For exchanges of insults is what I always hear from the both of them when they are fighting. I just keep my mouth shut but do cry a lot of times as well.
My parents were the first ones to broke my heart.
Each time I promise myself that I won't get affected when things crash down again, I just can't take it. I don't want to blame them for all the misfortunes, and financial set backs that occur in the family business, my academics, and many others but I do feel angry and every thing.... I could feel hatred arising over and over again though I keep on killing it.
Someone is just simply pulling us down because of his insecurities, desperation, and his abuse of alcohol. No matter how we try to start and prosper we will eventually pulled down. He always listens to other people... but he doesn't care about us. All he cares is himself, how he will get pleasure from alcohol, living like a Nomad, asking for some money and spend it for the nonesense things.
My heart turns gray each time he blames my mom for whatever mistakes he has done. And I don't get it.
I wish I was a girl with no dreams who can live with his attitude so that I won't need to worry much about what might happen to me in the future if I did not end up the way I wanted my life to be like.
For some strange reasons I think I am the only one in our bloodline who has developed interests in arts, photography, drawing, painting... But I did not took any course related to arts in my college days. BTW I am not enrolled this semester and I do not know when I come back again.
Somehow I can still feel that I am like him. I got a huge ego and I don't want to end up being a loser. I wanted to be ahead of every body else. I already cursed him for so many times. I know its bad but I hate seeing him being a big nothing!
I hate people who always say that they are worthless and they should die specially when don't do anything to be worthy of your respect.
For many years... I cannot comprehend still how he manages to do that. He'd drink, go nuts and emerge as someone the following day who'll talk to you very casual as if nothing happened. He has never ask for forgiveness. I kinda memorized all of his antics that now I just do not react even if he passes outside the gate of our house. Its nothing.
My Mama has never done anything unreasonable. Almost every thing she does is for our own good. If he would just help her. Maybe something big would've happen to our family.
I am just simply tired of all of this. Having someone who unendlessly breaks your heart.... who happens to be someone you can always run to in happy and rough times is really something you would not want to deal with for the rest of your life.
I am still praying that I won't let my defenses down. Sometimes I would wanna do crazy things or even take my life so that I won't have to see it. Maybe I need a miracle.
I just really wished that love never exists so that maybe I won't feel guilty if I tell him to go away or go to hell. And maybe I am not feeling miserable.
I feel thankful that I am still sane despite all of this though I really wish I get numb.
I am not wondering anymore why I am never really serious about relationships with the opposite sex. There's just this huge amount of fear I feel. I like someone now... but I prefer to keep that to myself. I am just happy that he's around and makes me smile.. shares his music the things that we both love. I always reminisce the moments we had spent together, the way he looks at me, and touches my hand although we are not what other people think we should be...
Maybe I know somewhere in my mind, love never lasts. I feel contented with the lonely feeling cause its more comfortable than getting love and suffer for the rest of your life and its not even worthy of taking the risk. Just maybe.
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11.11.2009 - Unfair and Heartbreaking Assessment
Posted by Yummy
For the past two weeks I had been waiting for my training in the studio. I was rejoicing when one of the senior photographers told me that I was gonna be assigned for her studio and will be trained as soon as possible. This sounded music to my ears. I went home smiling although I really got wasted because they made me travel from North to South just to tell me those things. I knew that my mom would really feel happy about it. Cause she knows I will help her with all her troubles once a company will hire me.
I haven't recieved a text message, email or any phone calls after that. Waiting is like dying for me. Every one last week went to school to enroll and with their friends. I know I am gonna miss school. My heart turns gray each time I remember some of those people I know I will not be able to see for quiet sometime because of my decision. I don't like staying at home. Seeing one of my family members getting drunk and do unpleasant things really sucks. I can't help but feel discouraged and disgusted. And really makes me want to start working so that I won't be able to see him destroy himself more and more. I don't care if it means that I would work my ass off, I just don't wanna end up stupid and stubborn like him.
Last night, one of my closest friend had a long conversation with me thru FaceBook. Some of you might already knew him. It added up on my misery being not enrolled this semester, I know he's also all alone, and I can feel the loneliness caused by 'not fitting in' anymore. Every one's gone, he hoped that I'd stay but I can't. We need to deal our own troubles all by ourselves now.
Today, I just can't explain the feeling. I feel stupid and many more. I prepared for that analog training not knowing that I might not really undergo with it. Well, my mom just keep on texting the HR manager of the company about any updates. I just wished she didn't do all of that.
I don't know if I was gonna get mad when they told me that will have a meeting tomorrow again about me dahil alangan daw si boss sa akin. WHY ON EARTH IT TOOK SO LONG PARA MAREALIZE NIYA YUN?
I don't really know. Whatever happens with that meeting tomorrow I gotta feeling that I won't enter that office again, ever.
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11.10.2009 - You Are My Madness
Posted by Yummy
[as much as I can I do not want this entry to sound like a lovesick entry I think it'll go that way still soo... lemme start this bullshit.]
As far as I can remember, there were a lot of times na dito lang ako nagsusumbong ng mga hinanakit ko sa lalake in the past lolz. I am not so sure this time kung yun pa rin nga ang gusto kong gawin. Mama's somewhere out there na kase. Ughh. In due time, I guess I would have to delete this blog for my own safety hahaha. Nabibingi na ako sa mga panunukso niya.
Back to what I was trying to say... I wanna let some my feelings about this guys be revealed. NOT TO HIM OF COURSE haha. I just wanna let this go. Napupuno na kasi ako ng kapraningan simula nitong November. Yayain niyo nga ako lumabas haha. Nang makasagap ako ng polusyon ng Maynila!
I've known him for years already. He's one of the closest college friends I met. Siguro kasi rakista kami pareho kaya medyo kami nagclick ever since that day we had a conversation. Sanay ako lagi na lagi niya akong kinukurot sa cheeks o di kaya sa tagiliran.
Sa circle of friends ko kasi sa college halos puro guys lahat konti lang girls. Or maybe you can call me as 'one of the boys'. Pero kahit ganun, di naman nila talaga ako sinasama sa trashtalking at bullying sessions nila. They still respect me as I who I am.
Although kilala nila ako and close kami. I am still doing my own thing in school. Loner ako. I do things alone most of the time.
He's just one of those guys who would approach me pag nakikita nila ako mag-isa and loves to tell jokes and share things with me. Sometimes we talk about things like personal things, about his lovelife and stuff. He never listens though pag ako nagkwekwento about mine. Maybe cause its so EMO according to him LMAO.
Every thing became strange to me, when he started to hold my hand when we walked and teasing me every time he sees me. I've done my best to ignore it and treat him the way I did like before... But still he continues to do 'this'. Medyo tinablan ako.
He's not the type of guy na I would usually get attracted... pero ayun. Dahil sa kalandian niya sa akin medyo nabaliw na din ako sa kanya. He has really cute eyes naman and he has a phenomenal voice for singing, but when he's talking para kang nakikipag-usap sa isang taong sobrang baba ng tono ng boses. I fear him when he yells. Para kang kakainin ng buhay. >:O
He made me lose control of myself. This one had happened a year ago with someone I really loved. I was not thinking rationally again. One night, I decided to pack up and bring my camera to this event and school, I presented myself as their photog. CRAZY FUCKER!
It was also that night that I could not forget that he kissed my hand. I died.
I do not know what to say anymore. He makes me feel happy, but he also makes me feel stupid. I do not wanna go any further than that. I wanna forget him. Its been days since I last saw him, and I am madly insane trying to forget about it.
Di ako enrolled ngayong sem na toh kaya malabo na magkita kami ngayon. AYAW KO NA NG GANITO NAKAKABALIW. Nagsasawa na akong tanungin sa sarili ko kung bakit niya ako pinapakitaan ng ganun?
AYAW KO NA UMASA. :|
Lord.... sana paggising ko ipatawag na ako sa studio. Yun lang Lord masaya na ako.
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11.9.2009 - Para Sa Mga Users Sa Mundo.
Posted by Yummy
[currently downloading Corel Paint Shop Pro]
Today went along fine, the weather is certainly perfect. But the people aren't really well. Lalo na ang kanilang mind state. I hope you won't get bored in case you care to read about this bull crap. The environment that I'm in as of the moment isn't really good with to be involved with but I had no choice but to live this way. Aside from the boredom I am experiencing for the couple of days awaiting the training in the studio, I am slowly beginning to feel hatred with the people around me.
My family had been very generous to all of the people here. My mom had been very accomodating and patient to those people that shows up to her when they are in need specially when it comes to money though we do not earn that well. I can really say that my mom has really awesome ways in getting money as soon as she needs it. I personally do not like it when my parents do that frequently to their friends even if they are really close friends.
Maipagmamayabang ko talaga na ang nanay ko masipag at maparaan sa paghahanap ng pera. But I am so fed up with all thats happening right now. Here comes the big backlash of every thing that we had done for all those people that we helped.
Nawala na silang lahat. Dahil wala na kaming pera. Wala na ring pumapansin sa amin. Masama na din kami dahil madamot na daw kami.
Hey listen to yourselves people? Madamot kami?
How come? You sucked up everything that we had!
Masyadong magulo dito sa bahay. How I wish I could be assigned to Parañaque in case my vacancy ang position ng photog dun. I really hated the people here.
Puna sila ng puna sa pamilya namin. I KNOW RIGHT?! Di kami picture perfect family. My parents exchanged roles in bringing up the cash. I am gonna stop going to school to help my mom in my own way. We're still together though I know on the rocks kami ngayon.
How about them? Sugal dito, sugal doon. Inom dito, inom doon. Feeling rich ka boy? Asan na yung pambayad mo sa renta ng bahay?! Tsaka yung utang mo sa amin ilang years na yun ahh. Tsaka nga pala nagpaflactuate yung kuryente sa kwarto ko, bakit ganon? Nagjumper ka ba sa amin? Nga pala yung cellphone mo kinuha nung asawa mo at nung kababayan mo. Nakuha yung number ng GF mo. YARI KA.
Nahuhurt ka? Wag mo kasi kaming pinapakialaman. Magtrabaho ka na lang at mamuhay ng matiwasay.
Okay ba yun?
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10.28.2009 - Nocturnal Chronicles
Posted by Yummy
HOHOHO. I think it spent almost two weeks of staying up late at night and going to bed before the sun rises. So how's every one here? Tskk, tagal ko na di nakapagblog dito sa PINAKA blog ko LOL.
UPDATES+BIRTHDAY AND MOM SPYING ON ME VIA INTERNET
As usual I got busy with school and things happened in my life again. I turned 21 last October 15 and suddenly I felt like a matured person in that instant. Di lang dahil sa nadagdagan ang numero ng edad ko. Drama has always been a part of my family, and now that I turned one year older its getting more intense I guess. But I will not share that to you anymore guys. Accdg to my mom by the way she has done some searching on the net infos about me, LOL so I will be careful of the things I sayy. She actually read this blog and saw a post about my ex. So how cool is that hahahaha? She read all the drama and etc and she enjoys pissing me off about it. Sometimes I wonder why she can't get over with him.
Mama maghahanap ako ng bago. Wag na puro siya, nasa Amerika na nga e!
About my birthday... Nabreak na yung record ko nang laging nagbibirthday ng may sakit wala akong sakit nung 15 hahaha kasooo wala naman akong pera that time LMAO. I just stayed at home and secretly had a few drinks. Naging epic yung responses sa Facebook account ko tae hahaha. Puno yung screen hahaha.
THESIS MADNESS
Kakatapos lang ng defense ko hahaha. Angsaya gusto ko matulog ng isang linggo hahaha. Ang epic ni Jan magdefend ng system e. Isang beses lang kami nagovernight dun sa kanila at naaliw ako sa pamilya niya. Theyre so nice. Pati aso nila nice. Hahaha. Angelina ang name haha.
Ito ha thesis tip: Manahimik ka na lang kung wala ka naman talagang sasabihin sa thesis presentation kasi pag nadulas ka tatanungin ka ng panel, pag di mo alam ang sagot yari ka na HAHAHA.
Sa awa ng Diyos ok naman. kaya lang ubos na pera ko hahaha. may documentation pa.
LABLAYP:
Ano ba yun? Alam ko alam ko yun e haha baka nakalimutan ko lang kasi tigang na ako sa pagmamahal LERLS Madami diyan na nakapalibot pero... walang sumeseryoso mukha ba akong nakikipaglokohan lang lagi hahaha?
Ayaw ko na magmahal magme MITAL na lang ako LOL.
Oh siya try ko na lang magkwento ng matino next time SOON XD
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Sep. 3, 2009 - Brand New Start
Posted by Yummy
Hello guys, its been a while since I last updated my blogsite LOL. Well I updated it this time for its a part of my project in school. Di naman yata ako pagagalitan ni Mr. Admin hahaha kasi dun na sila nagmomoderate sa new embeded blog sa Rakista Profile sa Rcom. Itutuloy ko na ulit yung photoblog ko hehehe para masaya. Kung di pa ako nagkaroon ng project di ko pa magagawa toh eh noh XD
Madaming masyadong ginagawa... Ganun pa din ang buhay pero wala tayong magagawa. Ganun pa din naman yung mga reklamo ko sa buhay. I don't want to kill you with boredom so I won't talk about it anymore. Hahaha.
So gusto niyo ba yung design? I am having trouble with the moderation of comments kasi nakajs at div tags ako :P Peace tayo Kuya Harold, pagkatapos na icheck toh baguhin ko na yung codes. XD
Sige yun lang....
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8.2.2009 - GREAT MINDS Saying Good bye
Posted by Yummy
Dear God;
This year we have witnessed many deaths of our great leaders, and people that we look up to. We pray for their souls and for their great deeds that they've left not to fade away and never end like each ray of sun shining in the universe. May we never forget all their kindness, and their loving memory. I pray for their inspiration to grow in our hearts. Help the people they've left to carry on and lead a meaningful life like what they did. May we start to make a journey again. Help us lessen the pain we feel because of their lost. Make us understand that death is not end of it all.
Amen.
Dedicated to: Michael Jackson, Francis Magalona, and President Corazon Cojuanco-Aquino
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About Me
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