Thu 10 Sep 2009 - Pakmi
Things just won't always turn out right.
Eto na naman ako, nagsusulat, naglalabas kung ano man ang nasa isip ko't damdamin na di ko mawaring maitago pa rin kahit dati ko nang gawi. Nakaupo na naman ako sa harapan ng aming kompyuter na tila ba walang kapag-a-pag-asang maintindihan pa ang susunod na hakbang na dapat tahakin patungo sa kunsaan mang destinasyong di ko rin alam. Gusto kong magkape, pero hindi na naman ako makakatulog at maiiwan na namang nakatulala sa kisame ng aming kwarto habang pinipilit tunawin sa aking utak ang mga pag-iisip na para bang sadyang ayaw umalis. Pero dulo ng problema ko: Oo, insecure ako.
Speaking of "coffee", naaalala ko ang isang taong, hay, parang napakalapit sa lahat ng tao. She became very good friends with people with whom I only became acquaintances. She was the very image of who I dreamed to be, but I couldn't. Not capable? Or rather, napipigilan..?
Eto ang alam ko, eto ang isusulat ko. I've heard someone say, "If you really are a good writer, write what you know." Damn how I want to be good. I want to be praised, I hunger for acknowledgment. I want to feel how my friends will call me special, someone they're longing to meet and to be with. Isang taong masasabi rin nilang, "Oy, masarap kasama 'to. 'Tong taong 'to kahit di ko pa namimeet masarap kasama o kakwentuhan." Someone they will call one of their most sensible friends. God, how I thirst for that. Mahirap, at masakit isipin na kaya ganun, I'm not that kind of person, and that I don't have the capacity to be like that.
OA na kung OA. Drama queen? Pero ayokong tawanan sarili ko. I've never felt so down like this in my entire life. Mas lalo pang lumala nung binisita ko ulit yung site, yung forum.
To a certain someone, alam ko mababasa mo 'to. Eto na marahil ang pinakamatino at pinakamalinaw saken na maidadahilan ko sa'yo kung bakit gusto kong mapag-isa. I want to be better.
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