Mar. 13, 2010
,
2:46
excuse my french haha
i just read Misce's blog,nice one...i love it, and yeh i did learn something from there, was actually looking for the exact or rather appropriate phrase to tell myself to make me feel better. Im glad i checked on her blog 1st before i make this entry.
was about to do this in facebook, but im too lazy to choose the people that can read this, but i'll probably will...later, if im still in the mood.since not everybody knows this blog,might as well release some crap here 1st.haha.
i was crying a while ago.haha and no, its not because of the previous entries, its because of someone else.
unfortunately he's not back for good. after 2 weeks of no communication he woke me up the other night with 6 messages,saying he's sorry , he have to do this and that and all that love crap.
its bullshit, i just realized that now. after what happened,in which i think by now he's denying it to himself or will he just play safe , ignore it then wont talk to me anymore - what goes around comes around baby
so since we started this way that we'll end up this way.
i've made a lot of bullshit in my life so no wonder if im getting loads of them now, but im only human
i get tired of playing games too...and im lucky enough that this is the only crap im getting, in other aspects of my life pretty much its doing ok...haha, been a while since the last time i shed some tears - so i guess its a little fair if i cried today.that will make me feel better in a while.
i just gave someone a piece of advice a while ago, that normally in love you would fall for the wrong guys 1st until you met the right one, too young to look for love that will last forever, so might as well enjoy "single again" moment - dont u find it weird that its so easy to give those kind of advice to someone but when you're in that deepshit situation its kinda hard to tell that to yourself?
and i just realized this,
not because im singing in the shower again and writing some mushy stuff its real love.
i know my heart was happy during those days and now that i think its over , of course im a little sad.
well its not everyday you'll get a Bernard Palanca looking guy who's got the hots for you right?
oh maybe i just thought of that - i knew it, its really too good to be true.
sad moments should be over soon, i dont feel really that bad at all , a little glad that it happened, guess another lesson learned. moving forward..
oh well,even my mom's a little sad about it :)
there's a lot of fish in the ocean...got more baits here , jk!
Feb. 27, 2010
,
10:34
thank you for the very long comment :)
thanks for reminding about that book,i've read that before...maybe i forgot the things i learned from there.
eh you think that's passionate? my previous entry? nuh uh, i was a bit of mad and disappointed and sad while doing that...that's how i felt when i broke up with Mike and ... blah blah!
i thought having the Johns and Bernard Palanca in my life will make a difference, it did...and still making some changes but the tumor is still here.
and guess what it takes another man for me to realize some stuff.
remember when i said that i tried to move on from that tumor, several procedures took place just for me to get him out of my life....
and this guy told me well "you havent tried very hard to get over him, because of you did you wouldnt feel bad about not seeing him, you wont cry that hard if you're really over him. Maybe you thought you're trying to get over him but deep inside maybe you really dont wanna do that."
and that was like a huge slap on my face :)
i guess he's right, maybe deep inside i really didnt want to get over him...
but as for now, i dont know how i feel about that tumor.
i still think about him though, how nice would it be to wake up beside him and all that crap but as for now i doubt that it'll happen....
my hopes are all gone in fact im thinking that he wont talk to me again.
and if ever that'll happen then that's beginning of me getting over him.
i guess i was just addicted to him, like my own brand of heroine
well,i'd rather not elaborate on my feelings for him.its pointless anyways he wont even make a comment about it so im thinking why should i keep on saying that i like this guy....being with him is like suntok sa buwan - u get what i mean?
and i dont know how to explain this, but i believed in him.I believed that this is LOVE.
my hopes were so high...and *sigh* that's it i wont talk about it anymore.
one thing's for sure i will still love that tumor, will still care about him and that's it.
like what i said i wasnt really expecting anything from him but deep inside i want him to love me too.
but not anymore.
i dont know how to continue believing in him
i used to tell myself that maybe we're meant to be stuck with each other like this, and that destiny will soon find a way for us to be together...
but to be honest, i find that hard to believe now.
i need a break - nakakalungkot lang talaga pag naalala ko siya.
i still believe in love that seems to not exist all the time
we all know someone might take over his place in my heart anytime soon.
coz lately i am thinking of someone else.though being with that guy means waiting again that's fine, i have waited long enough for the tumor...for sure i can do it with another guy.
i'll keep on waiting and searching for the right one at least i got myself "reserved"
"people will never get tired of loving, that's a fact...people will only get tired of waiting and crying"
Feb. 22, 2010
,
10:45
so after a very loooooooooooooooong vacation here i decided to visit my blog and make an entry,been preoccupied with my tumblr account, clicking that heart button gazillion times everyday, reblogging or putting them on queue.as for now cuddle spam is on queue.
To be honest i got tired of making a very long and detailed entries here, got sick of it i guess. But dont get me wrong, i dont hate this page. I admit it took me a few seconds to figure out my password. But i still love this blog. There's so much memories in here, of course this is my life....my life for the past 3 or 4 years? i dont know...i lost track already.
and what the heck brought me back on this site?
read carefully, my emotions are so intense as of right now and i might be able to tell who that person is.
i've been keeping that man's identity for a loooooooong time as well, i believe ever since i met him. which is like 3 years ago.
i know some of you got an idea who that is.
i have chosen several people to know about what's going on.the very few people who were able to read my notes in facebook about him.
Goodness that man never failed to excite me whenever he would talk to me, I swear i get so fucking excited with just 1 senseless text from him.
this is about the famous tumor.
and i got a lot of questions for him that i think its unnecessary to be answered, but i would still like to ask, maybe it'll change something.
well i dont know if you're still checking this, dont know if you;re still reading some of my posts,maybe you'll get to read this like after a year or two....or maybe not at all. i dont fucking care, coz what matters to me is im able to telll you whatever the heck i feel like telling you NOW!
what is this? i mean what do we have?
maybe nothing
maybe its just lust - but i hate to think of it that way. coz i feel like there's something more, or maybe its just me.assuming that you like me.that you have feelings for me.
why are you doing this is to me?
pucha ka naman eh! ilang libong beses ko ng inamin na mahal kita, kulang nalang ako na mangligaw sa'yo! eto na nga't dadayo na ako makita lang kita,makasama ka lang!
oh well, hindi ko naman hawak ang oras mo...at ang oras ko ay limited din.
alam mo yung feeling na gusto mong mahalin yung isang tao, pero ayaw mo maging gf or bahagi ng mundo nila, kasi alam mo na kung gaano kasikip yun at lagi ka nalang nakasingit sa schedule nila???
gusto kitang mahalin pero ayokong umasa ng kahit ano mula sa'yo, well mahal na nga kita eh. ilang taon na?
ah ewan ko siguro gusto ko lang din na mahalin mo ako - pero parang hindi din.
ang sakit mo sa brain cells
sumasakit din puso ko dahil sa'yo
ako na ang napapagod kasi lagi kang tumatakbo sa utak ko
ang corny pero yan yung totoo
*sigh*
andaming nasayang na oras, na pagkakataon
well sorry naman sa ilang beses na pagtanggi ko,kasi naman magtetext ka may pasok ako, ilang beses ko ng sinabi ayoko ng ganun, ayoko ng naghahabol sa oras ko...nakakabitin.
pero sa totoo lang,naglileave lang ako sa work para makasama ka
at aaminin ko pag hindi natutuloy nakakalungkot.
kasi lagi kong iniimagine yung itsura mo pag tulog ka na
tapos tatampalin kita para magising ka
tapos tatanungin ko lang kung baket ngaun mo lang ako binigyan ng oras mo?
sorry huh, pero nung last time naiyak na talaga ko.
nagtext ako ng thursday, hindi mo ako nireplyan...wala kang text buong araw nung Friday, nagtext ka Saturday...
ang sabi ko friday tayo magkita....friday!
magkita nalang siguro tayo pag madami ka ng bakanteng oras...at parehas tayong hindi naghahabol
argh!mahal kita pong ang hirap para saken na kalimutan ka't dedmahin nalang.
but i can never blame you and i wont, hindi mo naman kasi hiniling to, hindi mo naman sinabi saken na mahalin kita...ako may gusto nito.
kahit pa siguro sabihin mo saken na wag kitang mahalin, hindi ko din magagawa. hindi ko alam kung baket.
madami naman jan na mas gwapo sa'yo,na may oras para saken...kung yung iba nga magmumula pa ng ibang bansa bakit ikaw pa ung gusto ko.
- Sometimes I think that I just want you THIS bad because I CAN'T have you.
- i've seen your imperfections, i know your flaws.and i loved you though i know i cant have you.we wont spend the rest of our lives with each other.but you knw i would die just to be with you.but dying because of this reason alone is pathetic.pointless and sad.so please,feel free to change these thoughts.
- i hate that i effin el.oh.vi.ee you, its like no matter how many boys i met along the way no one could ever make me get over you. you're the only piece of sh*t that i love. i mean F.U!. this is pathetic!absurd!i hate you & i hate every little thing that you do that makes me love you more.
------- TUMBLR POST Feb 01 2010
umamin ka na ginayuma mo ako noh?
that's it, ok na ako...move on na.naglabas lang ako ng ka-echusan.
balik tumblr na ako.
sa haba ng text ko sa'yo,naiyak lang ako sa reply mo.
oo na, tamad na magtext...sige na!
at oo may nagbago na sa'ken , madami naglike sa facebook - mga adik lang!
namiss ko din kayong lahat - next time nalang ako magbabasa ng mga post ninyo.
may inaasikaso pa akong importanteng tao
i wont stop loving you,not now....not anytime soon.
well its more of, i dont know how to stop loving you.
Feb. 1, 2010
,
07:32 PM
i miss this.
its been a a real while.
and ive that line in her a couple of times.
i miss good things.
specially things that could get me better and better.
and yeah the people in here,. missed them.
im hoping i could buy sometime to write something in here
while having my shift from my work.
there is a lot of things needed to be heard and write.
maybe its that reason im having crazy headaches lately.,
these thoughts need to burst!
Pardon me.
Jan. 28, 2010
,
06:27 PM
i love movies. sensible movies. funny movies. scary movies. romantic movies. sci-fi, gore, action packed films, more. ive seen films in 3d too, there outrageously funny!..the stupid sense it make out of certain facts of being rationally irrational. lol ive seen Shrek. finding nemo. Beuwolf (kick ass movie). lot more. last week, i ran over my aunts dvd's. Surf's Up. a movie about a penguin. surfing penguin. actually, in a world were penguin talks and surfs on huge mean waves, act like some sort of sport anchor. i was just amazed. its fucking hell of a movie. and i love it. and yeah, a cool doped surfing chicken in a world of chilly penguins., hows that...
Mon 25 Jan 2010
,
01:33
in my blog that is. but i'm too lazy to update this blog. i just came here coz i wanna escape again and talk to someone i personally dunno and wont react :P
i'm sure most old bloggers here in rakista arent active. ^__^
random thought: imeem was sold to myspace and it now sucks!!! BIG TIME!!! where's my playlist now, myspace?!!! eff uuuu!!!
anyways.
same old cycle with my inochi. i do something wrong, he scolds me, i get scared, i do something nuts, become a recluse, he scolds me even more, i pretend nothing happens, he pretends nothing happens....
*sigh*
is it my fault?
i dunno. i dont think i've changed, as much as i wanted to change.
ore wa baka. i'm stupid. is there anything new in Rai's World? hmm, nothing i guess.
oh 2010, what good and bad tidings do you bring this year? up to me i guess...
***
is keeping the negative things away/unknown being positive? i mean, if u only share the positive and hide the negative, is that being "positive"? is hiding things considered lying?
i hate u rai. u'r pathetic.
oh grow up. -_-
random thought: i'm hungry, hehehe
(◕‿◕｡)
Jan. 10, 2010
,
07:22 PM
MARCH 2011 is more than a year away but whenever I think of my OJT, I cram. When the word graduation comes to my thought I feel somewhat a relief but when I hear the word JOB, I freak out. LOL. My mom said if I don't like to work yet I can study another course, most people know I'd like that but I dunno they say I'm a BUM. But if mom agrees that I can choose between studying music, fashion designing and photography either of those courses, I'd go for it. But those courses are as expensive as studying Culinary Arts for almost 4 years. So I think I'll pass this time.
So because of thinking a lot, I can't sleep LOL. MY mind is crowded with plans for my future, some pain and questions. PLANS, unlike my plans with Marco in my life before which was before I thought we'd live it up but yet 3 years of relationship all gone to waste. LOVE? I don't think this is the time to fall for someone and I tend to be alone now. Tears.. Are falling like waterfalls do from my eyes. Maybe because I need to cry all the pain buried in my heart. From Marco's remains, problems and because of friends who listens to you before but now leaves and gets mad at you. Sometimes I think of giving up because it's the easiest option but yet if I give up I'll regret things. So instead I bury my head in my pillows at night and lessen the burden upon crying. Lack of people to talk to and lack of trust to give people but most of all, lack of people who will listen, understand and stay.
As I said earlier, I tend to be alone, I am traumatized of trusting people and being in love because I'd get disappointed again and heartbroken. Before I used to trust a lot of people but they failed me and did things that made me depressed. QUESTIONS are floating in my mind. I asked someone before "Will you stay even though I'm the worst?" that someone answered a yes but doesn't understand my circumstances so that someone left me behind.
REALITY and CHANGES, I must face them. To all my friends (to those people who still cares and stands me even though I make mistakes) and to those who think they can be my friend: I'll ask you all one thing "In 10 years from now will you still be there? Will we still all be friends?" (To all of you, you can leave a comment and I'll know who'll I'd expect to still have as a friend in 10 years)
It sucks when you have problems, and you can't open up because before you speak words from your mouth, your eyes start to speak as it let go of tears.It sucks when no one can understands you, But it's the worst when you feel pain, depression, doubt, stress, heart ache, confusion and regret all at the same time and all you can do is write this and cry your heart out. BIPOLARITY, IT SUCKS.
P.S. DON'T BASH ME. COMMENT ONLY IF YOU UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL AND IF YOU CARE.
Jan. 8, 2010
,
5:49
im in tumblr.
apparently,i got tired of updating this blog...
and i got stuck in front of my laptop checking out pictures and lots of stuff in tumblr
teehihi
Dec. 19, 2009
,
5:58
i couldnt thank this people enough,they really made my day a happy one
and apologies coz it took so many time before i decided to blog about my birthday.
a few days before my birthday my Boss surprised me with a heart-shaped cake...i embraced her a little tight coz i wasnt really expecting that.And so me and my friends enjoyed eating the cake during our break at the same time we were getting our lockers checked so nasa may basement kami...and super sarap pa nung cake, everybody loves it! That's the special cake from Laguna ( ahem,un ung sinasabi dati ni Mike ).
And i made this wishlist in facebook,all my friends get to see that...oh well,konti nalang, kumpleto na :)
Thanks to my friends who helped me in getting my wishlist.I couldnt thank them enough. I spent 2 days answering all the messages and wall posts in FB,accepting gifts and all that...im left wishing its my birthday everyday,hahaha!
And everybody knows that there's 4 of us who's celebrating our birthdays on 12/13 - me, my friend DK, my inaanak Yahannah and Pong - hope u have a good one too!
Apparently i was waiting for someone to greet me,thinking that my day will be more meaningful if i got at least one hello from him - but i didnt and im ok with it. I dont miss him that much but knowing myself if one of these days i got a msg from him,i'll start missing him like crazy - again ( and again and again )
Last Tuesday morning we had our team breakfast, its actually my birthday celebration at the same time despedida party for Rica. That's another happy day ♥
enihoos:i just had one embarrassing moment at the office,the elevator scene - read along
me and Jovs are talking about this couple who used to argue a lot,Jovs is like having the same dilemma kasi. And so this couple decided not to talk for 4 days and Im like, its ok...if the couple thinks that's what they need...its perfectly fine.
Imagine - the elevator is jampacked...and everybody's talking...
Jovs - hindi ko talaga kaya un girl, 1 day pa ngalang na walang communication, hindi na ok eh...4 days pa kaya...
Me - that's ok too, some girls tend to be so clingy and some guys doesnt like that kasi feeling nila nasasakal sila...
(f*ck and i didnt realize that im the only one left talking nalang pala and my voice is mejo malakas pa)
Me (again) - at ang lakas ng boses ko (xhet,nakakahiya talaga)
GAY - at tungkol sa pag-ibig ang usapang ito.
everybody else in that elevator LOLed!
Jovs - ayan Joyce Kelmer po ang pangalan niya.
GUY 1 - ganun ka ba tol? ayaw mo ng nasasakal?
GUY 2 - ok nga sakin yun eh,kasi alam kong mahal na mahal ako nung babae
GUY 1 - ibang sakal naman ata ang sinasabi mo eh...
laughters again.
GAY - (talking to us) isa lang ang solution jan, sex...kaya kelangan performers kayo
now everytime na mapapadaan ako sa kanila, natatawa talaga ako.as in super nakakahiya :)
hanggang ngayon natatawa pa din ako.
enihoos - i'll upload some of our pics nung brkfast namin very soon.
On my previous note i feel like im lost, but now i know now what to do :)
welcome 2010 - yahooooo
Dec. 14, 2009
,
09:28 PM
Well yeah I'm posting at my love life blog, but yes this are another set of how I am a sore loser lol. 10 more days it's gonna be Christmas and yes I AM DAMN LONELY. Maybe, this is a part of my life that really sucks but it is also a part of letting go and take things like an adult. I dunno it'll be almost 3 months that I'm single but yeah it still damn hurts, and it's like the pain won't subside. I can say I have stopped thinking of him, I haven't been communicating(so is he), and I'm slowly taking him out of my life even though it is really hard. Sometimes yeah I still cry at night same old reasons. As days I go to school drunk or swollen eyes I am not myself. It's like a part of me is missing.
Sometimes, I ask myself these questions:
1.why do I always have to be broken?
2.why am I not happy?
3. when will I find him?
but I know all those questions have no definite answer so I dunno if I'll still love again I'm traumatized.
I remember just days ago a guy was following me and I was freaked out so I walked as fast as I can but yeah he catched up, and started talking but since I have my headphones on I pretended I wasn't hearing anything, anyway he was asking for my name and my number I just answered in english that I can't understand a thing he said and yeah I walked away.
Anyway I had weird dreams that shows me how I'll be happy. It was 3 dreams lols and yes there we're three guys involved one is marco, one is a close guy friend(wag na itanong syet) and one is someone I have never met before.
The 1st dream was not really good because it made me cry lol. it was marco who was this guy involve. it was still a heartbreak dream of us letting each other free yeah my eyes was swollen.
2nd dream was the guy friend he kissed me in front of many people and asked me "hindi ka aamin na gusto mo rin ako?" syet then he yelled "di lang kita gusto mahal din kita at hindi kita sasaktan" grabe yun eh kinilig ako but it's impossible though XD
3rd dream was a rocker dude we we're in another country and we have the same personality and we agree on everything. he had this band and he played my fave the killers song "mr.brightside" in a big gig and asked me if he could be my mr.brightside.
Weird thing is most what I dream about when I sleep happens so if dream 2 and 3 happens i'll be back in the love industry. but if not well it'll be years until I love again.
how I hate being alone. I'm getting myself a dog sometime soon. just wish me luck on my plans on participating as a exchange student and pray that I can get my damn visa.
till my weirdness conquer me again, I'll post my feelings.
Tue 8 Dec 2009
,
01:48
btw...wasnt i away for sooooo long?
but now, i'm back. ^__^
i'm also reviving my very 1st blog, http://blueorangepurplesky.blogspot.com
the image should have been posted long time ago...since i am back...
tadaima...i am home
Tue 8 Dec 2009
,
01:41
my body is screaming for a massage!!! who wants to give me one? really, i can hardly breathe. my back hurts. *sigh* i sound like a crybaby. *sigh*
i just can't wait for christmas break. i hope our dictators, i mean, our teachers won't give us plates for the holidays. i'll hate them if they do that. -_-; but who can stop them?
btw, if i massage myself, will that be like, uhm, masterDEbating? lol.
and oh, the title, that's what these flowers, i mean girls, masseuse, said in unison when seb and i passed by their spa. it was hilarious. but one has to hear how it was said to appreciate it.
ma'am sir massage!!! really, gimme one...
Dec. 5, 2009
,
10:27
Im bored
with my life
and i terribly need something to do that’ll take me out of this semi-meaningless lifestyle im living; in less than 10 days i’ll be a year older and i have less achievements compare to some other people at my age - i think i need to go somewhere else and why all of a sudden i feel like im lost?
i have no idea where this thoughts came from, when i woke up this morning,i did my rituals and i felt better
i was reading some stuff online
and it just came to me, that im doing the same thing almost everyday, i wont say that its the same sh*t different day...
because unlike some other people i dont complain a lot ( honestly i dont think that this is all shitness )...
i am thankful for everything as in EVERYTHING
even if i know someone hates me or cursing me i still thank the heavens coz more or less that completes me as a human. those are just normal stuff. I know im not the only one who get those experiences. If im the only one im gonna freak out.
Even if they're putting so much challenges in my life that there are times that it seems i wont be able to handle them anymore...that is just fine and seriously i dont mind doing the same thing...its just that maybe Im just looking for something else that'll get my attention...
My plans of going somewhere else has been looooooooong overdue.
me and my sister decided to start working on that by next year,once everything is a bit settled.
But then going somewhere else, means leaving my comfort zone - which im still hesitant to do, coz there are so many things that im trying to consider.
Honestly i just dont know what to do with my life.
im used to following instructions and living up to the expectations of someone with authority
( like my mother or probably anyone who's older than me or who's more experienced in life )
the major decisions i've made in my life were based on the people that sorrounds me.
and i thought reading Paulo Coelho books will make me realize my "real purpose" in life.
well it did, i do believe that everybody's purpose is to search for their soulmate, ultimate happiness awaits by doing so...and the feeling of "emptiness" or "something's missing" will be gone.
i know what im looking for in my soulmate and more or less i know who that is...
i just need to spend a few moments with that man and everything will be confirmed...
the tumor in my brain ♥
(books of Paulo Coelho can better explain this)
But contemplating on the "me" part
I havent made any concrete instructions or directions for myself and i know the only reason why i dont feel so satisfied ( even if most of the time i feel like i have everything ) is because im not living my expectations -- the expectations i made on my own for myself - i dont have one.
u know that kinda sucks.
I thought when people say that "I'm lost I need to find myself" they're making a big fool of themselves but i think i feel the same way.
I dont know what i really want in my life - erase that.
I know what i want maybe i just dont know how to get it - or maybe those are just superficial and more or less wont help me in "being a human"
I wanna go to this place or somewhere else... maybe out of the country
I want to have my own camera, take pictures of beautiful places and people and events.
skydiving
or maybe i really want a boyfriend or just be in a relationship even if its not with brain tumor. Maybe i need put him on the side for a while - im already doing that and been entertaining quite a few guests.
But it'll be much better if its him, but as u have read on my previous notes i expect less and demand nothing from him - even if my mind & my heart is screaming at me , telling me they wanted to be with him...*sigh* emotions are wild horses. we know "perfect timing".
maybe i'll just get out of this place.
well while im doing this here are the lyrics of the song that is playing on CBS radio/YahooMusic
Life is beautiful
But its complicated
we barely make it
We dont need to understand
there are miracles...
--- that is Vega4's Life is beautiful...
after that they played Foo Fighter's Miracle...teehihi.
maybe by doing these things i'll be happy or maybe i'll learn something else.
you know its always better to regret the things that you've done thinking that it'll make you happy rather than die regretting the things you didnt do.
oh now they're playing Matt Nathanson's Come on Get Higher - i ♥ this song, thanks to that Cullen boy
enihooos,going back to moi problemo...as for now im leaving everything to the heavens, i just need to know what i have to do. and i trust them, i know that they will tell me what my purpose or what i should do as long as i ask...
life is meaningful and i better go back reading "The Pilgrimage"
Dec. 4, 2009
,
7:56
Have you seen New Moon?
yay I did and i couldnt get over Jacob.
Actually ever since i saw the trailer of New Moon i couldnt help but be aroused by that wolf.teehihi. So yeah Bella and Edward can live happily every after and i'll be spending the next few days or months daydreaming about Jacob. I have this thing for long-haired guys with normal biceps ( normal as in not too huge for me to hold on to and not skinny )
I cant wait to read the books.
Im sure you guys have heard about the horrible news, the Maguindanao Massacre...that is ugh. awful! Condolences to the families of the victims and for those killers, geeeeez ur souls are super toasted already!
Something's going on with my life and i'd rather not say anything about it. Talking more about "this" will make it seems like im overthinking and i dont wanna do that. hehe. So I'm taking everything in black and white.
im reading The Valkyries by Paulo Coelho and the book is pretty interesting. I didnt find much time to read the book yesterday since im cleaning my room. And now im so tired,somewhat suffering from my pms, but despite this effin pain i ate some green mangoes yesterday with bagoong alamang. saraaaaap!
cleaning my room was an achievement, haha it looks better now and just yesterday i realized how big my bed is and fuck its so damn heavy. haha. and now im just wondering i seem to have this andrenaline rush as part of my PMS.do any of you girls have this too? and im craving for so many things, i had mangoes, and i ate some isaw...and now i want white chocolate or icecream or both.hahaha
enihooos I've created my 2nd tumblr account, coz I couldnt retrieve my 1st account.
here's the link bittersweetjunks
have to warn you though, site have some content that'll make you drool. jk!
cant make any comments on that site though.
and im gonna study how to put watermarks on my pictures, ehehe. arteh!
And here come's jinx for the nth time. and im overthinking again ( nah uh ) hehe coz i hate to think that we are being jinx but i cant help it...i mean how many times, did we....ok is it really me? ahahaha.i better not think too much on this stuff too. Im just glad that he's ok.
and in less than 10 days i'll be 24 yrs old na ( geeeeeez )
and he'll be twenty something i knw he's a few years older than me.
and there are so many things that im really thankful for.
But i've decided to enumerate or list all of those stuff after my birthday na.
And the things that im looking forward in year 2010.
that's about it for now. I'll be back as soon as im done w/ my list.
xoxo
Dec. 1, 2009
,
02:14 AM
Here I am with my letters to you
each letter tells how much I love you and how much I needed you then..
Then...
you meant so important,
I guess I was so in love with you
WE...
we were happy...
or was that only my illusion?
TIME..
time passed, gone wasted but I'm still here..
ALONE..
As each night I cry and think of you
I've longed for you for a long time now
but tonight....
I wanna break free from the past
that is move on
and face reality
It's over, said and done
I smiled
I did everything I could do to save this relationship
maybe we aren't for each other
to forget you is painful but I have to
but some memories of you will remain in my heart
I'll treasure it like I always do
Someday
Someday I hope I'll be able to love again
I hope someday
Someday
Someone will come
And I hope we find those someones to make us complete
our true happiness
And for the last time
for the last time
I want to tell you
I love you
thank you
Nov. 29, 2009
,
11:51 PM
I recently made a tumblr account (rei-unwanted.tumblr.com), another outlet where I can add shits and thoughts. and yeah for those people who have tumblr accounts follow wahaha.
Nov. 29, 2009
,
02:34 AM
Recently, Kjwan’s song Pause got stuck on my head and it makes think of Marco. Yeah, I’ts been two months since I’ve broke up with him since napagod ako, nagsawa.. kasi wala pagbabago eh. Sometimes, I wish we could rewind time and pause it at it’s best para hindi na mawala, but there comes changes and time passes hindi tayo pwedeng magstay sa isang masayang sitwasyon lang. Hay. Siguro kung pwede nga irewind ang oras marami siguro ako binalikan, siguro kung pwede baguhin yung mga nangyari na gagawin ko para umayos.Pero hindi pwede eh, at ang pwede lang natin gawin ay harapin kung ano yung mga dapat harapin kung baga sabi nga “keep moving forward”. Honestly, I miss Marco but I don’t think na dadating parin yung time na para samin at kami parin. I don’t even see myself in 10 years na sya kasama ko. It hurts and it’s sad kasi kailangan ko i-throw away yung mga plinano namin noon, at mahirap kasi kailangan ko ayusin yung sarili ko. I have to spoil myself as much as possible para sumaya ako but still may kulang eh. It’s said and done, wala na. Babalikan ko nalang masasayang ala ala natin sa panaginip ko.
Nov. 25, 2009
,
09:11 PM
SO yeah PEOPLE, I'm not a serious type of person, I often take things careless because I don't wanna be pressured but since this post is about my career and guess what I'm cramming like a loco XD. MY mom said I have her fighting spirit, but I guess I also got her cramming thing lol. But anyway it's not my first time facing a Consul, since I had gone through an interview last February and yeah I'm still upset, yeah it's my first time alone on an interview GAWD more cramming XD. But before that I still have to conquer travelling from Pasay to UP Diliman for a couple of times a week starting next week I guess. I need lots of patience and if I can't handle it just expect me to give this opportunity up but yeah I'M PURSUING THIS SO IT'S KINDA IMPOSSIBLE THAT I'LL GIVE IN. ALSO, starting today I'M DOING A PRACTICE IN SPEAKING ENGLISH SO YEAH YOU GUESSED IT I'M GOING TO USE ENGLISH MOST OF THE TIME. XD
and before anything else this is the shit:(LOL more on next entries and please wish me my best of luck :) )
GENERAL APPLICATION PROCESS FLOW
Following is the general process for joining any FPI overseas program. This will vary depending on your chosen program. FPI will guide you step-by-step on the process and will provide all necessary assistance you need.
• Submit filled up preliminary application form together with your resume
• Attend the orientation with your parents or guardian
• Take the Language, Skills, Logic & Reasoning and Personality Assessment tests
• Attend financial briefing with parents or guardian
• Pay the program fee deposit
• Submit all the requirements
• Wait for the Host Interview Schedule; get accepted
• Wait for confirmation of placement
• Sign the Training Plan or Job Specific
• Pay the remaining balance of program fee
• Wait for the Visa Documents
• Prepare for embassy interview
• Apply to the Embassy; get visa
• Make travel arrangements (must have approval of FPI); FPI sends arrival information to partner
• Attend required pre-departure orientations
• Departure
Nov. 25, 2009
,
1:23
are you familiar with the song of Lindsay Lohan, Confessions of a Broken Heart ? - well the song is about her father, i dont know their story but yesterday while we were at the counselling this song is playing in my head.
I never expect something like that.
I thought by doing so,it'll be clear for us...that somehow it'll alleviate the bitterness inside our home and can bring peace ( even in its smallest measurement ) - well at least mother was able to make herself clear about the things that she complains about father and my stepbrother. There were some changes already when we got home.
Pride is still in the air.
The counselor (Mrs. Jinky) and my parents spent about 2 hours and few minutes while I was just outside waiting for them and reading my book ( and texting a very good friend of mine, June (he's the brother i never had ). It was depressing.
I can sense my father's unwillingness to solve our family problem. He was somewhat agitated and cannot speak in a calm manner. He would raise his voice once a while. He would laugh sarcastically and those silly smiles - aahh you wouldnt want to see those facial expressions being presented to your mother and someone who may ( or may not ) have the authority to rule over.
He even condemn God for everything that's going on with his life.
It was a little embarrassing but this is part of reality - i'd say its my world.
Mother, as usual was weeping but so far I see her fighting for her right. SHE's THE WIFE. She got every right to get a lot of respect from her husband and his son. After everything that she's done.
i've been wanting to put these all in our backs and just move on with our lives, after all I grew up without my father and a brother...but i cannot do it on my own. I have to make sure that my mom is moving forward too, but i think she's having a hard time doing that. Me, my sister,our relatives and her friends had been telling her to move on, let go and make herself beautiful. After all she's not the one who messed up. She'll get good karma in the end.
The counselor talked to me as well. She realized how hard it is to make my father realized these awful things that's been going on.Its kinda difficult to make him understand that he brought all these humiliation by himself. i do understand that his life is so different when he was still in the U.S but then he's been here in the Philippines for almost 4 yrs, when will he ever realized that his life is totally different now.He's not used to having a low income,he's not used to living in a house with a "family". He cannot accept the fact that he cant buy everything and anything that he wants all the time. Maybe he used to have a luxurious life in the U.S. I cant tell.
And he doesnt know how to raise his kid. How dare he tell his son to fight back? I heard him say this "matuto ka ng lumaban", to whom? to my mother? That's his wife, the woman who accepted him after all these years. Who suffered much and still suffering because of him. The woman who raised his 2 daughters after leaving them behind. The woman who took care of his son, his son from a different woman and treated him like her own. She swallowed every bit of pride that she has. Yet,she still love him, she still looks at him as her husband. The man whom she made a vow to and promised that she will love him for the rest of her life.
i dont hate my father, i do not despise him, im just, broken hearted with everything that's going on. He is after all the other person responsible for my existence ( and he gave me a nice name )
I believe everything happens for a reason...no matter how painful this may seem, this shouldnt let us down. God doesnt give us trials that we cant handle.
This serves as a lesson for every member of our family.An inspiration or a guide for me so I wont experience the same thing. I think we're not learning all at the same time since we do have "different level of understanding". Some of us understands the lesson right away and some of us dont.
Ok,let's cut the drama here. I've had enough.
Here's my latest favorite application in FB and my friend's comments really made me laugh.hehe.
my friends know me better than i thought,except for that "wholesome" and "good girl" part - yikes!
enihooos - gotta go back watching Gossip Girl season 3
oh about the title, it seems irrelevant with my entry but im really really craving for icecream, especially when im sad and disappointed, and whenever my visitor's coming. it'll definitely put a smile on my cute face (toinks) hahahaha.i just had one, the tililing icecream, the one i promised to Bong, well in due time my friend.
havent seen New Moon yet :(
xoxo
Nov. 22, 2009
,
11:41
its sunday evening and i cant go back to sleep, i wish i could though...i feel bored, but this good effin days will soon be over...by Saturday im back to my normal life again...
normal as in, working...hanging out my officemates...talking on the fone again for more than 7 hrs, gossiping between calls...teehihi, endless talk about boys and relationships. F*ck! can u believe it? I loooooove my work this much when almost everybody is like tired of it.
Well,one thing im good at is complaining less...i feel better doing this...much better.
and if ever i do, it would always come out as a joke...so i can laugh at it.
Im practicing the law of attraction too, pretty much im a sucker for "postive thoughts" & prolly anything that will benefit me and the people around me. I've learned that we are like magnets and so far im attracting POSITIVE stuff.
except this morning or around lunch time...i felt like my heart betrayed me...or maybe im just exaggerating the scenario...
I was reading the alchemist - it talks about the heart having the ability to talk to us and it chose not to suffer...the boy got himself confused because there were moments when his heart tells him to pursue his dreams & go on in search of his "personal legend" yet he's thinking of something else. I'd say he's like caught in between his dreams and the things he considered to hold on to w/o his dreams on it.
I thought i have understood my heart...with everything that i learned from reading books and from my friends and the movies I've seen that can redefine my perception about my heart and the way it communicates with me...i just realized it wants MORE...
they said emotions are like wild horses - i remember having this kind of intense feelings with someone before...and i chose to hold on really really tight to my horses. And the outcome is something nice, more favorable for me and for that guy. Imagine, have i not hold on to those effin emotions we wouldnt be good friends until now...
enihoooos. im going off the track.
(rewind a little)
My horses are restless...i thought im doing just fine....content with what im getting. Thinking that in fate's time I'll be more than just fine...
I have learned to expect less and demand nothing from this person...but when i felt his presence, it blew off everything...every bit of the wall i have created crumbles down...and here he comes like a strong current from a mad sea.
but id rather keep doing what i've been doing, not being a coward but because this is the best thing for me to do ( i think ). they said nothing will change if you will not ACT as soon as you get the opportunity, but then i've been doing lots of stupid stuff with or without any opportunity (haha) or maybe this doesnt count at all...wth? i dont know where the hell to start?
can i not include my heart in this situation? i guess not...haha.
this is the only tumor that's been trying to control me...as for the moment this is the only thing that fills up the empty spaces for all those missing emotions that an average person should have - in other words, this is keeping me alive...in my weirdest moments i feel im complete coz i have these silly emotions.
Unless there's someone else that can take his place - this could be another option that i can consider too...
OMFG!
i better read another book...or browse my favorite website...listen to Fiona Apple, Anna Nalick, Fefe Dobson and Michelle Branch all day looooooong.
so i'll be inspired.teehihi.
enihoos, havent told you about this person I met in facebook...we got the same name, both of us we're born on friday the 13th, different month...older than me,wearing eyeglasses too, likes qoutes and poems or any literary works... also interested in photography (actually my wallpaper/background is a picture of Mt.Apo taken by him) - oh yeh...he's a guy.i thought he's a girl...haha, i was kinda excited pa naman to meet someone with the same name as mine...eh,Guy naman pala siya...well, originally naman kasi ang name na Joyce is for boys , if you look at the history famous "Joyce" are guys...haha! i love my name...this is the 2nd thing na pinagpapasalamat ko kay erpat (the 1st is of course ung semilya niya na bumuhay saken) . And guess what? Joyce's sister got the same name too....so there's 3 of us sharing the same name XD.
And another guess what? haha...im talking (actually chat lang) to Joyce right now in facebook (as i blog this) and he's in NJ now for vacation, he'll be back by January and more likely we'll see each other, why? because he'll give me Midnight Sun and Breaking Dawn ng Twilight Saga..........aaaah putanginang yan! Nagulat talaga ako, we barely know each other...and he's gonna give me this books and lecheng yan pinagiipunan ko na nga para mabili ko ung 1 set,meron na palang 2 naka-save para saken. Yahoooooo!!!!! hahaha...tenchu tenchu :)
In exchange i'll give him PAULo Coelho books
enihoos, here are some of the excerpts from the original "brain tumor got a face" which can be viewed completely in facebook ( not everyone can see/read this though...its only for my "biglovefriends" )
i've been thinking about him like every friggin day, i swear from the moment i open my eyes...he'll be the 1st person i'll think of...and i have no idea how often do i think of him for the rest of the day, but i know he'll be the last person im gonna think of before im completely knocked out!
this all boils down to one thing - im attracted to him shit.
but then again, i've created my own ghost...it eats up all the happy thoughts i have with tumor and haunting down all the wonderful moments i could share with him. At some point,tumor fed that ghost with "reality"
like when he told me that he's still trying to save his relationship with a different woman that time.
and knowing that we can hurt each other too...
a cliche as it may seem - but its like we dont wanna ruin whatever "we" have.
when he told me about his feelings ( if i remember it right ) he's honest enough to tell me that he doesnt wanna hurt me, and i guess weak enough not to fight for what he really feels ( or maybe that didnt matter to him that much,the least priority...maybe and maybe because i dont know how i felt about him too )
i understand and i wasnt mad at all if at that point he became coward & who knows maybe he created his own ghost too...i should be able to know exactly how he feels ( most of the time ) since we're born on the same star
he made me realize my WORTH
my patience for this guy is totally unbelievable, it surprises me most of the time too. I've been single for almost a year and i have saved myself from any other guy,thinking that i still have a chance being with him
just to qoute a few lines from "By the River Piedra I sat down and wept"
by Paulo Coelho
If pain must come, may it come quickly. I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.
this is what my heart tells me to do.i wouldnt know if this is right ,but so far im ok with this.
im brave enough to take risks and the ghost that used to scares me to death is gone.
i just wanna get this over with, i'll allow myself to be with him for a moment if something good will happen after, then so be it...if there's nothing more then i'll move on...just like that...
i got some weird reactions/comments on this entry (hahaha)
cheesy? u can say that again.
done: 2:45 Monday morning
