i don't know where to begin this... hmm... where should i start..? i have bunch of thoughts and questions inside my mind... so many puzzles cracking my head... twisting my small brain...

                    i'm starting to lose my faith... losing my religion... i'm starting to get curious about GOD and everything about him... is he true..? does he really exist..? why is he not with us..? his origin..? these are just some of my serious questions... the bible says that GOD created the world and everything in the universe, but who created GOD..? did he just popped out from nowhere and became what he is..? whatever...

                    i'm not an antichrist or something... i'm just curious... my worst curiosity... a simple cause and effect... the effect of not going to church for more than two years... yes two years... i only hear mass at school, but who the fuck listens to mass at school..? no one... not even the stupid teachers or the principal...

                    let's now talk about the man people call "JESUS"... where is HE..? priests say HE is in heaven... wow in heaven... of course, HE'S the SON of GOD, the SAVIOR, the ONLY ONE... but what the fuck is he doing in heaven..? relaxing..? having a nice cup of coffee..? how nice... why don't HE try going down here on earth and stop the war from these stupid countries... is HE afraid..? george bush, the satanic president of the united states... exchanging blood for oil... muslims, well  i don't give a fuck about them, dying from bombs and tanks of american soldiers... why don't JESUS save the lives of these poor people... HE just sits and watches these hopeless men die crying for help, waiting for the SAVIOR to save them...

                    problems, everybody have problems... what do we do when we have problems..? we pray... we pray to JESUS... we ask for HIS help, for forgiveness, we thank HIM, we wish for a good future and to help us with our problems... we all hope for HIS power to solve our problems... for other people, they say that JESUS answers their prayers... blesses them... yah right... but how about those people that are in the middle of the war, just waiting for the bombs to strike them... of course they pray... they wish for their lives to be saved... why don't JESUS heal them and take them to a safe place..? oh i forgot, we should die first before we can go to heaven... the safest place... the place full of love and peace... where JESUS lives...

       there's this one time that some words came out from my mouth... "there's no hope if you're hope is GOD..." i didn't take it seriously... 

                    i wish JESUS is true... i'm not saying HE'S not, i just wish HE'S real, that HE exists... if HE would only talk to me and answer me... if...

                    i still pray every night... i pray not for myself, but for my loved ones... i wish to be a better man, a better person... away from sins and temptations... GOD HELP ME...