Growing up raised by a couple whose relationship is on the rocks since the beginning of their married life is like a living curse. It always makes me wonder how did they end up being together and decided to have their child... me? I often wonder how did their lovestory sounded like when I was a kid. I even asked more questions each time I see them fall apart. As I was molding myself to becoming an adult... my heart has become brittle.

I have no one with me since I have no siblings. That didn't seem to be a big deal to me, I like being alone most of the time. I feel contented with my being alone for I fear expressing my feelings and thoughts to other people and I don't want to be rejected. I don't wanna be insulted. For exchanges of insults is what I always hear from the both of them when they are fighting. I just keep my mouth shut but do cry a lot of times as well.

My parents were the first ones to broke my heart.

Each time I promise myself that I won't get affected when things crash down again, I just can't take it. I don't want to blame them for all the misfortunes, and financial set backs that occur in the family business, my academics, and many others but I do feel angry and every thing.... I could feel hatred arising over and over again though I keep on killing it.

Someone is just simply pulling us down because of his insecurities, desperation, and his abuse of alcohol. No matter how we try to start and prosper we will eventually pulled down. He always listens to other people... but he doesn't care about us. All he cares is himself, how he will get pleasure from alcohol, living like a Nomad, asking for some money and spend it for the nonesense things.

My heart turns gray each time he blames my mom for whatever mistakes he has done. And I don't get it.

I wish I was a girl with no dreams who can live with his attitude so that I won't need to worry much about what might happen to me in the future if I did not end up the way I wanted my life to be like.

For some strange reasons I think I am the only one in our bloodline who has developed interests in arts, photography, drawing, painting... But I did not took any course related to arts in my college days. BTW I am not enrolled this semester and I do not know when I come back again.

Somehow I can still feel that I am like him. I got a huge ego and I don't want to end up being a loser. I wanted to be ahead of every body else. I already cursed him for so many times. I know its bad but I hate seeing him being a big nothing!

I hate people who always say that they are worthless and they should die specially when don't do anything to be worthy of your respect.

For many years... I cannot comprehend still how he manages to do that. He'd drink, go nuts and emerge as someone the following day who'll talk to you very casual as if nothing happened. He has never ask for forgiveness. I kinda memorized all of his antics that now I just do not react even if he passes outside the gate of our house. Its nothing.

My Mama has never done anything unreasonable. Almost every thing she does is for our own good. If he would just help her. Maybe something big would've happen to our family.

I am just simply tired of all of this. Having someone who unendlessly breaks your heart.... who happens to be someone you can always run to in happy and rough times is really something you would not want to deal with for the rest of your life.

I am still praying that I won't let my defenses down. Sometimes I would wanna do crazy things or even take my life so that I won't have to see it. Maybe I need a miracle.

I just really wished that love never exists so that maybe I won't feel guilty if I tell him to go away or go to hell. And maybe I am not feeling miserable.

I feel thankful that I am still sane despite all of this though I really wish I get numb.

I am not wondering anymore why I am never really serious about relationships with the opposite sex. There's just this huge amount of fear I feel. I like someone now... but I prefer to keep that to myself. I am just happy that he's around and makes me smile.. shares his music the things that we both love. I always reminisce the moments we had spent together, the way he looks at me, and touches my hand although we are not what other people think we should be...

Maybe I know somewhere in my mind, love never lasts. I feel contented with the lonely feeling cause its more comfortable than getting love and suffer for the rest of your life and its not even worthy of taking the risk. Just maybe.

For the past two weeks I had been waiting for my training in the studio. I was rejoicing when one of the senior photographers told me that I was gonna be assigned for her studio and will be trained as soon as possible. This sounded music to my ears. I went home smiling although I really got wasted because they made me travel from North to South just to tell me those things. I knew that my mom would really feel happy about it. Cause she knows I will help her with all her troubles once a company will hire me.

I haven't recieved a text message, email or any phone calls after that. Waiting is like dying for me. Every one last week went to school to enroll and with their friends. I know I am gonna miss school. My heart turns gray each time I remember some of those people I know I will not be able to see for quiet sometime because of my decision. I don't like staying at home. Seeing one of my family members getting drunk and do unpleasant things really sucks. I can't help but feel discouraged and disgusted. And really makes me want to start working so that I won't be able to see him destroy himself more and more. I don't care if it means that I would work my ass off, I just don't wanna end up stupid and stubborn like him.

Last night, one of my closest friend had a long conversation with me thru FaceBook. Some of you might already knew him. It added up on my misery being not enrolled this semester, I know he's also all alone, and I can feel the loneliness caused by 'not fitting in' anymore. Every one's gone, he hoped that I'd stay but I can't. We need to deal our own troubles all by ourselves now.

Today, I just can't explain the feeling. I feel stupid and many more. I prepared for that analog training not knowing that I might not really undergo with it. Well, my mom just keep on texting the HR manager of the company about any updates. I just wished she didn't do all of that.

I don't know if I was gonna get mad when they told me that will have a meeting tomorrow again about me dahil alangan daw si boss sa akin. WHY ON EARTH IT TOOK SO LONG PARA MAREALIZE NIYA YUN?

I don't really know. Whatever happens with that meeting tomorrow I gotta feeling that I won't enter that office again, ever.