AMBIVALENCE.
I actually don't know how to start writing this entry. Let's put it this way, what exactly am I feeling now? I don't know. I am not even sure if I am being selective of my thoughts and feelings. You know how people say that what you think is what you feel? It could have been easier for me to just choose to let it all be and just be happy with him once more. It hurts to admit the fact that after so many years of trying to learn how to trust again, here you are, with that familiar feeling. The worst feeling ever. The feeling of being betrayed, of being the last to know. What could be worse than having this "gut feeling" alone and you know that there's no way for you to prove if it's true or not. You trust your instincts, then you loose the person you love. You trust the person you love, and you'll end up feeling stupid and dumb.
He asks me everyday if this is what I really want. Honestly, I am not sure. All I know is that I want to give my heart some rest. I am also not sure if saying that "I want my heart to rest" also means that "I will try to forget you". Or if what I am actually saying is "Prove to me that you want me back so badly."
I am unsure of a lot of things right now.. I am unsure if he really lied to me, or if there is someone else. I am unsure if i really wanted the break up. I am unsure if I want to believe him every time he tells me that he's been missing me, he wants me back, and he'll wait for me til I am ready to trust and give my heart again. I am unsure if I will ever have the answers to all my doubts.
I am only sure of one thing. I love him, that has never changed, and I've been missing us.