18 years old is the legal drinking age. Drink moderately.

new blog

May. 29, 2010 , 12:59
here's the link
http://solittletime-kesongmasaya.blogspot.com/

for my friend Cheese :)



still have to work on that blog though, reading and changing those codes makes me dizzy.
haha!
posted by joyz kelmer
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mid-life crisis

May. 15, 2010 , 5:52
my sister told me the other day im having a mid life crisis and i laughed at her telling her, no im just bored as in BORED!

i need something to get me out of a semi-routine life, all i do is go to work...home...work...home and on several occassions i go out with my friends but its not everyweek and if it were then i'd probably be out of blue, i wont be feeling sorry and sad...
SELF-PITY

yeah that stupid feeling gets me sometimes too, if you think about it im pretty lucky with life. I'd say i got everything i want and if ever there's something i need, i'll make it a point that i'll get it or if the situation really doesnt allow me to have it, then i'd think of something else in exchange of that...but most often than not i get what i want, i have the sources. its just that i got some of those on "PRIORITY" list the others really have to be compromised.

and when the time of the month comes, that's when i feel so pathetic. its when i realized the thing that i really need and its what i want for the longest time. but then i dont know for some effin reason i never had the courage to demand for it i dont know where the hell i got patience to face this.
i swear it could kill me one day.

im a very appreciative person, i say thank you even to the smallest deed that you will do for me and  i never hated life, not even once. i am so blessed to have a life like this despite the gazillion challenges, i know there's a reason for everything. and as what everybody says, im very optimistic,
i see the good in everything (thanks to the Law of Attraction)
but at times like these i cant help but ask why.
why can i be like anyone else?

i cry whenever i feel that there's missing in my life.and i never stop myself from crying whenever i feel this, its true, reality sucks sometimes...but i have to face it. its the only thing that's missing in my life, the only thing that makes me cry.and this is the only aspect in my life where i get so pessimist. but whenever i have the chance to feel this,   im in my happiest mood - people can tell that.
why does everybody else have it and i dont?


i know i can have it from anyone, i got loads of friends that can help me with that, but then if i let them it'll be (somewhat) pointless -     it'll be hard for me to explain why, so i wont try to do so.

more or less they have an idea what this is all about.well they told me if its really what i want go for it, do anything to get it.and i've been thinking what else should i do? words are not enough, tried to put them into actions but i guess it doesnt count either.

honestly, i cant think of anything else to do.believe it or not i've been praying for it.
i need more patience, and if its really not meant for me, then at least i would need the courage to accept it.

a few times i asked for someone else, i had a few...but then i always go back to him. from the moment i met him until this very second...he was never out of my mind. he's always been here. constantly making me happy and sad at the same time. its crazy. what's with him that i just cant let go? why can i not love anyone else and be loved back the way i wanted it to be? why do i have to love him?
i've been asking myself these questions like everyday...

once he asked me "dun ka nalang sa iba" silly! and he got a silly reason for saying that, well if my mom raised me up na mukhang - pera i would have done that, i will just marry someone who's fucking rich then i dont have to worry about my future and my family's future. i'll live my life wearing branded clothes, get my own island, have my dream car with a driver that's a robot.

but then im proud that we were raised by my mom (alone) na hindi mukhang pera.Im not greedy and im not materialistic. though i know i can if i want to. but like what i said earlier, i have a pririoty list...the material stuffed that's not really a necessity, i can just let go of that anytime
- i dont need all of these, i just want to be loved.

a friend once told me "you tried to forget about him, you tried to let go...but you never really wanted to do that. That's basically the reason why you're not moving on...coz u dont want it in the first place,you're just saying that you want to and you do stuff thinking that that will help you move on, but deep inside you want to continue loving him. Don't force yourself to do it, let it happen naturally."
makes sense.

im done. done being emotional for the month. just have to blog out my extreme emotions.i bet after this im back to being ME again - happy go lucky, making fun of my friends, joking around, being a bitch, just happy and enjoying life.till next month, when Red visits me again.

oh btw - the reason why my sister told me that is because i told her to introduce me to someone who got the potentials, because im bored..and she goes "haha, mid-life crisis na yan" and im like "NO! hahaha"
i have held you and kissed you the way i wanted to
watched you sleep like i would whenever i will have the chance.
those memories never failed to make me smile.

you know, before those were just thoughts in my head and then it happened
so now they're memories...will they stay in my head as memories forever or will they happen again?
posted by joyz kelmer
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....

Apr. 24, 2010 , 12:37
commitment is something else... i just thought of asking that because i have to know where i stand.
I have the tendency to be assumptive sometimes, and since the situation involves you i dont wanna assume anything at all.


i like you, a lot!
you make me happy, and i dont know if i will ever feel that kind of bliss with any other man. It amazes me most of the time how you can make me laugh at loud like there's no tomorrow. I love being with you, i enjoy every second of it.

but then i agree with you, its better that we get to know each other first - its funny that we've known each other for almost 3 years (?) yet i barely know you (you wont even tell me your fucking name!).

i loved you
and i guess i want you to love me back - that's what i want before.

now i dont know.

all i know is im happy when im with you,
i hope to see you again
posted by joyz kelmer
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hmmmm

Apr. 22, 2010 , 11:25
Although you are fairly optimistic today about your long-term plans, more immediate problems could create some anxiety. You know there is a solution to the stress you feel between personal and professional matters, but it doesn't seem possible now to choose one over the other. Fortunately the larger issues will fall into place if you stay focused on what's right in front of you. Act locally while thinking globally.

-- my horoscope for the day, i just cant stop myself from reading those emails :)
and it sounds about right....i couldnt disagree.

But i still dont know how to react with the current problem im facing


The offer is very tempting, who would say no to a 10k increase in your salary? damn it!
But then thinking about it if i go now, i may not get paid for almost a month...changing jobs now is like too risky for me.

if i go now, training starts on May 6, they have differnt payschedule...might not get paid middle of May, musta naman ang bills na babayaran ko...ayan nga, wala akong unlimited na internet, nakaprepaid broadband ako dahil ndi ko pa bayad ung fone...well ni-let go ko talaga ung fone, ehehe. prepaid nalang muna.
next batch for this "job" is sa november pa, mom was like pwede ka din naman mag-antay if you really wanna move out, which is not bad din naman, at least my friends who'll start on May 6 can give me heads up in november.

and recently a lot of good stuff happened in my current job,the meet and greet, the FGD, my commendation call (where in Boss H and Boss P gave me cute memos & chocolates too :) ) - gaaaaah! its just hard to decide.

And one more thing, my uncles will help me to leave this place.if all goes well, then im gonna say hello to ------- LOL!
I always have my fingers cross for this one.it would be nice to see...

ay naku, isisimba ko nalang ulit to sa Quiapo bukas...ng maliwanagan isip ko.
posted by joyz kelmer
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thinking coz i got a lot on my plate now

Apr. 20, 2010 , 3:16
Got too much on my plate last night @ work,those were totally unexpected (though i was given a heads up,still it came to me as a surprise) and im expecting more in the next few days. But i dont complain, in fact i enjoyed what i did last night. Haha,course i'd like to be off the phone for a moment :)

I just had to talk to my Boss about a very important matter. Im about to make a MAJOR decision in my life again and i thought talking to her will enlighten me ( and im glad i did, i have more stuff to consider before saying no or yes ) , but honestly I've been thinking about it since the beginning of the year, its just that i thought i didnt have much options. now i think i do. Like what she said "there's always a BETTER option, you just have to make sure that it is really what you want and that you're doing the right thing" --- there are so many things that i really have to consider, this is not just about getting a higher salary, i have to consider the new place, the new people that im gonna work with, how will it affect the people around me...stuff like that.

I came across a similar situation before the only difference i guess is that Im the one initiating this CHANGE, not them. Cliche-ish to say that change is inevitable  but that's the truth. Those changes happened without me going against it. I was thinking i dont need to go against the flow, its not what i want and i think those moves will just be unnecessary and i might regret it in the end.

Well thanks to a very good friend of mine, the culprit.

But im thinking this is gonna be a good deal, i'll get a higher salary, i will have a normal life, wont be working like a vampire and hello to sat - sun off.

the thing is with this kind of job, there's more possibilities of working overtime and my usual 45 minutes to an hour trip might be a 2 hrs trip...since it might be in Makati or Taguig.

Another good thing about this is that i can stay with my mom at night, at least i dont have to worry about her being alone. Its just me and her in this house, shinetz,my father left us again for another woman and he is with my stepbro from pluto, its a good thing that my Aunt's here but she's leaving soon.if that happens,my sister can take a look at our mom during the day and i'll be with her at night, less worries.

And yeah when they left our bills are so damn high that it can eat up my one month salary, so goodluck for me. though my sister is helping us, she lives with her bf and they're renting, they have their own bills to pay, and mom doesnt get paid on  a regular basis.I just got a loan and i'll start paying on that next month.so i have to make sure that there's enough room for our food and "necessary" stuff.

yeh i might regret this, that's given.HSBC is my first job, i learned so many things in this company, it made me a better person that i am now compared to who i am when im just a fresh grad.But then , like what my Boss told me, there's always the "better" option.

Honestly, i really can feel that its time for me to move and do something out of the routine. I know i will really have to deal with this,if its not gonna happen next month i know sooner or later i will. So might as well deal with it now, now that i still have better options.

hmmm, oh well. im still thinking about this, like i said i have so many things to consider.

So aside from the fact that i gave my Boss the not so good news, me together with Jut, Mommy Shirley and Kay had a meet and greet with the new tranche, when Boss told me about this before, im like "woah! why me?" i mean there are other people who can do the talking to them and at least try to enlighten them about our work, but why me? That is because i have a perfect attendance since hired date, as in since September 18 2006. I dont know im just the type of person who ( i must say ) loves to work, i dont wanna be bum. I dont wanna be bored, in fact though i have a good job and i go out with my friends once in a while i still get bored. I dont know exactly where the motivation comes from but im glad that i can motivate myself to go to work every night. Never have i felt of not going to work or being lazy, even when im sick i still go to work, even if i have small pieces of ginger in my mouth whenever my throat is acting up i still go to work. Its actually my biggest strength. Always been a good remark.

Its one of the things that my Boss reminded me.

So the meet and greet happened and i really dont like talking in front of a huge crowd, but i was there for a good cause and at least im not alone. I just dont know if it made an impression to them or what, i care least about it what matters to me is I have done my part.
The experience was fun though, my Boss told them that the three of us were the ones who's been really quiet but got CE2 calls and commendations.( ang haba ng hair ko ).

And then at around 4am me and Tito Karl joined the FGD (focus group discussion) it was my 1st time to join the FGD in my 3 yrs stay in that company and im glad my Boss asked me to go. I didnt expect that the group would be so quiet, i dont know i guess they just didnt have much to talk about and i didnt mean to be pa-bibo but yeah i did share something on the group about the things that we're doing in our team that we can share with the entire department.
(good job Joyce, tap on my shoulders)

so like i said i had a lot in my plate and expecting more in the next few days, after tonight's shift I'll be off for 3 days again But its going to be a long busy weekend for me ( my offs are my weekends ). Wednesday, im going to Taguig with the Marianos ( Ken and Matt ), i've been friends with them since hired date (that's why i became one of their bridesmaids on their wedding and godmother of their 1st baby ) it would be nice to be working with them again. And then Thursday, me and Kay will go to Makati ( Kay has been my friend since me and Ken separated, Ken decided to go back to mortgage and i decided to stay with NRE. And yeah Kay introduced me to Mike ). And finally Friday its gonna be a TGIF for me again as long as there'll be no jinx, ok i wont tell what's gonna happen on friday.teehihi.im just looking forward to it. im excited and nervous at the same time actually.

but then for now, i have to go back to sleep. i didnt spend too much time on my tumblr i just thought of this blog and the things i wanna tell.

i know this might sound weird but im stuck listening to Def Leppard's "when love and hate collide" LOL. its really weird.

and yeah just to share my horoscope for today,haha i get emails about this, its pretty accurate.
You may be on a positive roll, yet still an uncomfortable feeling is surfacing today. You could be worried that you don't yet know what to do with your resistance to work. You are pushing up against real deadlines, yet they won't matter as much as you assume. One way to maintain your productivity is to continue working as hard as you can without panicking over things you cannot change


i got letters for you almost everyday, its just that you wont be able to read it. Those letters make me happy.
posted by joyz kelmer
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...

Apr. 16, 2010 , 1:53
Thinking of you is easy

I do it everyday

Missing you is the heartache

that  NEVER goes away
one day i'll get tired of thinking

posted by joyz kelmer
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how often do you meet the right one ?

Apr. 13, 2010 , 2:14
ONCE - of course, well for others they would say they find the right one several times until they get tired. But actually this doesnt have to do with my entry.LOL.i just wanna touch base with my 1st blog and if ever i'll be on the mood to blog about love i promise it wont be here :)

the title is like a tagline from my favorite movie ONCE.
and i found myself listening to the soundtracks every friggin day. Glen Hansard totally rocks!

About the movie, well to be honest movies with a little sad finale is what i hated the most. Im always up for "Happy Endings", i always wanted the main characters to end up together. But with this movie, they didnt. Which is pretty much understandable, the situation is complicated and I guess its better that way.

Its like Nicholas Spark's novels - you know, romantic but the ending got a different twist.

But i swear if i'll see ONCE again, i would really really fall inlove again. I just love the part where they were singing my favorite song Falling Slowly.

Anyways, like i said i just wanna touch base with my blog, i know i mentioned before that im always in tumblr and i still got the same effin reason why i dont update this blog as often as i did before. At times i feel like im too tamad to make kwento na. I know im not talking when i blog, but i guess my brain is just too lazy to process the thoughts that i'd like to talk about - damn it! im kinda sleepy,tulog na ata ang mga brain cells ko.LOL. Got tired of thinking.

I might move to a different company though. But i wont tell when and where, haha. Im still thinking about it though, i know its a good deal but the thing is it'll be far from my home. Well, i'll be with my friends anyways so i guess that'll be ok. eh, idk...i have no final decision yet.

Oh yeah, good news..the dragon is gone, he left with his son.Sumama na dun sa kabit nya. Haaaaay! Alas we got some peace in our home. But then again si Mudra, ayan almost everyday nalang naglalabas ng sama ng loob, ay naku wish ko lang talaga mawala na galit niya, MOVE ON MA! Minsan talaga naririndi na ako, ehehe. Its the same thing everyday, she would talk about them anytime of the day and i cant make any comment, i cant stop her from doing that coz she's very very emotional and sensitive.
I did tell her na magpakasaya na siya kasi wala na sila dito, she doesnt have to work harder for them anymore. hindi na siya dapat nasstress kasi nga wala na sila dito. Kelangan na niya ng apo, lol..so i told my sister bigyan na nila ng apo si mama, so at least hindi na niya iniisip yung mga yun.

Fuck i have to sleep now. Next time na ngalang.
I kinda dont like the feeling of missing someone, made me feel like im addicted to him -
well its not like "IM LIKE" addicted...coz i am addicted already - u get what i mean?

i know now how it feels to be with you, i’ve been waiting for that moment. And it happened just the way i wanted it to be. Im just glad to see you, i wish i could - again.
posted by joyz kelmer
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its all about bullshit

Mar. 13, 2010 , 2:46
excuse my french haha
i just read Misce's blog,nice one...i love it, and yeh i did learn something from there, was actually looking for the exact or rather appropriate phrase to tell myself to make me feel better. Im glad i checked on her blog 1st before i make this entry.

was about to do this in facebook, but im too lazy to choose the people that can read this, but i'll probably will...later, if im still in the mood.since not everybody knows this blog,might as well release some crap here 1st.haha.

i was crying a while ago.haha and no, its not because of the previous entries, its because of someone else.
unfortunately he's not back for good. after 2 weeks of no communication he woke me up the other night with 6 messages,saying he's sorry , he have to do this and that and all that love crap.
its bullshit, i just realized that now. after what happened,in which i think by now he's denying it to himself or will he just play safe , ignore it then wont talk to me anymore - what goes around comes around baby
so since we started this way that we'll end up this way.


i've made a lot of bullshit in my life so no wonder if im getting loads of them now, but im only human
i get tired of playing games too...and im lucky enough that this is the only crap im getting, in other aspects of my life pretty much its doing ok...haha, been a while since the last time i shed some tears - so i guess its a little fair if i cried today.that will make me feel better in a while.

i just gave someone a piece of advice a while ago, that normally in love you would fall for the wrong guys 1st until you met the right one, too young to look for love that will last forever, so might as well enjoy "single again" moment - dont u find it weird that its so easy to give those kind of advice to someone but when you're in that deepshit situation its kinda hard to tell that to yourself?

and i just realized this,
not because im singing in the shower again and writing some mushy stuff its real love.
i know my heart was happy during those days and now that i think its over , of course im a little sad.

well its not everyday you'll get a Bernard Palanca looking guy who's got the hots for you right?

oh maybe i just thought of that - i knew it, its really too good to be true.

sad moments should be over soon, i dont feel really that bad at all , a little glad that it happened, guess another lesson learned. moving forward..


oh well,even my mom's a little sad about it :)
there's a lot of fish in the ocean...got more baits here , jk!
posted by joyz kelmer
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thank u rai :)

Feb. 27, 2010 , 10:34
thank you for the very long comment :)
thanks for reminding about that book,i've read that before...maybe i forgot the things i learned from there.

eh you think that's passionate? my previous entry? nuh uh, i was a bit of mad and disappointed and sad while doing that...that's how i felt when i broke up with Mike and ... blah blah!

i thought having the Johns and Bernard Palanca in my life will make a difference, it did...and still making some changes but the tumor is still here.
and guess what it takes another man for me to realize some stuff.

remember when i said that i tried to move on from that tumor, several procedures took place just for me to get him out of my life....
and this guy told me well "you havent tried very hard to get over him, because of you did you wouldnt feel bad about not seeing him, you wont cry that hard if you're really over him. Maybe you thought you're trying to get over him but deep inside maybe you really dont wanna do that."

and that was like a huge slap on my face :)
i guess he's right, maybe deep inside i really didnt want to get over him...

but as for now, i dont know how i feel about that tumor.
i still think about him though, how nice would it be to wake up beside him and all that crap but as for now i doubt that it'll happen....
my hopes are all gone in fact im thinking that he wont talk to me again.
and if ever that'll happen then that's beginning of me getting over him.

i guess i was just addicted to him, like my own brand of heroine

well,i'd rather not elaborate on my feelings for him.its pointless anyways he wont even make a comment about it so im thinking why should i keep on saying that i like this guy....being with him is like suntok sa buwan - u get what i mean?

and i dont know how to explain this, but i believed in him.I believed that this is LOVE.
my hopes were so high...and *sigh*  that's it i wont talk about it anymore.
one thing's for sure i will still love that tumor, will still care about him and that's it.
like what i said i wasnt really expecting anything from him but deep inside i want him to love me too.
but not anymore.

i dont know how to continue believing in him
i used to tell myself that maybe we're meant to be stuck with each other like this, and that destiny will soon find a way for us to be together...
but to be honest, i find that hard to believe now.
i need a break -  nakakalungkot lang talaga pag naalala ko siya.


i still believe in love that seems to not exist all the time
we all know someone might take over his place in my heart anytime soon.
coz lately i am thinking of someone else.though being with that guy means waiting again that's fine, i have waited long enough for the tumor...for sure i can do it with another guy.
i'll keep on waiting and searching for the right one at least i got myself "reserved"



"people will never get tired of loving, that's a fact...people will only get tired of waiting and crying"
posted by joyz kelmer
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if im not here

Jan. 8, 2010 , 5:49
im in tumblr.
apparently,i got tired of updating this blog...

and i got stuck in front of my laptop checking out pictures and lots of stuff in tumblr

teehihi
posted by joyz kelmer
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