heart & mind full of turmoil...
its sunday evening and i cant go back to sleep, i wish i could though...i feel bored, but this good effin days will soon be over...by Saturday im back to my normal life again...
normal as in, working...hanging out my officemates...talking on the fone again for more than 7 hrs, gossiping between calls...teehihi, endless talk about boys and relationships. F*ck! can u believe it? I loooooove my work this much when almost everybody is like tired of it.
Well,one thing im good at is complaining less...i feel better doing this...much better.
and if ever i do, it would always come out as a joke...so i can laugh at it.
Im practicing the law of attraction too, pretty much im a sucker for "postive thoughts" & prolly anything that will benefit me and the people around me. I've learned that we are like magnets and so far im attracting POSITIVE stuff.
except this morning or around lunch time...i felt like my heart betrayed me...or maybe im just exaggerating the scenario...
I was reading the alchemist - it talks about the heart having the ability to talk to us and it chose not to suffer...the boy got himself confused because there were moments when his heart tells him to pursue his dreams & go on in search of his "personal legend" yet he's thinking of something else. I'd say he's like caught in between his dreams and the things he considered to hold on to w/o his dreams on it.
I thought i have understood my heart...with everything that i learned from reading books and from my friends and the movies I've seen that can redefine my perception about my heart and the way it communicates with me...i just realized it wants MORE...
they said emotions are like wild horses - i remember having this kind of intense feelings with someone before...and i chose to hold on really really tight to my horses. And the outcome is something nice, more favorable for me and for that guy. Imagine, have i not hold on to those effin emotions we wouldnt be good friends until now...
enihoooos. im going off the track.
(rewind a little)
My horses are restless...i thought im doing just fine....content with what im getting. Thinking that in fate's time I'll be more than just fine...
I have learned to expect less and demand nothing from this person...but when i felt his presence, it blew off everything...every bit of the wall i have created crumbles down...and here he comes like a strong current from a mad sea.
but id rather keep doing what i've been doing, not being a coward but because this is the best thing for me to do ( i think ). they said nothing will change if you will not ACT as soon as you get the opportunity, but then i've been doing lots of stupid stuff with or without any opportunity (haha) or maybe this doesnt count at all...wth? i dont know where the hell to start?
can i not include my heart in this situation? i guess not...haha.
this is the only tumor that's been trying to control me...as for the moment this is the only thing that fills up the empty spaces for all those missing emotions that an average person should have - in other words, this is keeping me alive...in my weirdest moments i feel im complete coz i have these silly emotions.
Unless there's someone else that can take his place - this could be another option that i can consider too...
OMFG!
i better read another book...or browse my favorite website...listen to Fiona Apple, Anna Nalick, Fefe Dobson and Michelle Branch all day looooooong.
so i'll be inspired.teehihi.
enihoos, havent told you about this person I met in facebook...we got the same name, both of us we're born on friday the 13th, different month...older than me,wearing eyeglasses too, likes qoutes and poems or any literary works... also interested in photography (actually my wallpaper/background is a picture of Mt.Apo taken by him) - oh yeh...he's a guy.i thought he's a girl...haha, i was kinda excited pa naman to meet someone with the same name as mine...eh,Guy naman pala siya...well, originally naman kasi ang name na Joyce is for boys , if you look at the history famous "Joyce" are guys...haha! i love my name...this is the 2nd thing na pinagpapasalamat ko kay erpat (the 1st is of course ung semilya niya na bumuhay saken) . And guess what? Joyce's sister got the same name too....so there's 3 of us sharing the same name XD.
And another guess what? haha...im talking (actually chat lang) to Joyce right now in facebook (as i blog this) and he's in NJ now for vacation, he'll be back by January and more likely we'll see each other, why? because he'll give me Midnight Sun and Breaking Dawn ng Twilight Saga..........aaaah putanginang yan! Nagulat talaga ako, we barely know each other...and he's gonna give me this books and lecheng yan pinagiipunan ko na nga para mabili ko ung 1 set,meron na palang 2 naka-save para saken. Yahoooooo!!!!! hahaha...tenchu tenchu :)
In exchange i'll give him PAULo Coelho books
enihoos, here are some of the excerpts from the original "brain tumor got a face" which can be viewed completely in facebook ( not everyone can see/read this though...its only for my "biglovefriends" )
i've been thinking about him like every friggin day, i swear from the moment i open my eyes...he'll be the 1st person i'll think of...and i have no idea how often do i think of him for the rest of the day, but i know he'll be the last person im gonna think of before im completely knocked out!
this all boils down to one thing - im attracted to him shit.
but then again, i've created my own ghost...it eats up all the happy thoughts i have with tumor and haunting down all the wonderful moments i could share with him. At some point,tumor fed that ghost with "reality"
like when he told me that he's still trying to save his relationship with a different woman that time.
and knowing that we can hurt each other too...
a cliche as it may seem - but its like we dont wanna ruin whatever "we" have.
when he told me about his feelings ( if i remember it right ) he's honest enough to tell me that he doesnt wanna hurt me, and i guess weak enough not to fight for what he really feels ( or maybe that didnt matter to him that much,the least priority...maybe and maybe because i dont know how i felt about him too )
i understand and i wasnt mad at all if at that point he became coward & who knows maybe he created his own ghost too...i should be able to know exactly how he feels ( most of the time ) since we're born on the same star
he made me realize my WORTH
my patience for this guy is totally unbelievable, it surprises me most of the time too. I've been single for almost a year and i have saved myself from any other guy,thinking that i still have a chance being with him
this is what my heart tells me to do.i wouldnt know if this is right ,but so far im ok with this.
im brave enough to take risks and the ghost that used to scares me to death is gone.
i just wanna get this over with, i'll allow myself to be with him for a moment if something good will happen after, then so be it...if there's nothing more then i'll move on...just like that...
i got some weird reactions/comments on this entry (hahaha)
cheesy? u can say that again.
normal as in, working...hanging out my officemates...talking on the fone again for more than 7 hrs, gossiping between calls...teehihi, endless talk about boys and relationships. F*ck! can u believe it? I loooooove my work this much when almost everybody is like tired of it.
Well,one thing im good at is complaining less...i feel better doing this...much better.
and if ever i do, it would always come out as a joke...so i can laugh at it.
Im practicing the law of attraction too, pretty much im a sucker for "postive thoughts" & prolly anything that will benefit me and the people around me. I've learned that we are like magnets and so far im attracting POSITIVE stuff.
except this morning or around lunch time...i felt like my heart betrayed me...or maybe im just exaggerating the scenario...
I was reading the alchemist - it talks about the heart having the ability to talk to us and it chose not to suffer...the boy got himself confused because there were moments when his heart tells him to pursue his dreams & go on in search of his "personal legend" yet he's thinking of something else. I'd say he's like caught in between his dreams and the things he considered to hold on to w/o his dreams on it.
I thought i have understood my heart...with everything that i learned from reading books and from my friends and the movies I've seen that can redefine my perception about my heart and the way it communicates with me...i just realized it wants MORE...
they said emotions are like wild horses - i remember having this kind of intense feelings with someone before...and i chose to hold on really really tight to my horses. And the outcome is something nice, more favorable for me and for that guy. Imagine, have i not hold on to those effin emotions we wouldnt be good friends until now...
enihoooos. im going off the track.
(rewind a little)
My horses are restless...i thought im doing just fine....content with what im getting. Thinking that in fate's time I'll be more than just fine...
I have learned to expect less and demand nothing from this person...but when i felt his presence, it blew off everything...every bit of the wall i have created crumbles down...and here he comes like a strong current from a mad sea.
but id rather keep doing what i've been doing, not being a coward but because this is the best thing for me to do ( i think ). they said nothing will change if you will not ACT as soon as you get the opportunity, but then i've been doing lots of stupid stuff with or without any opportunity (haha) or maybe this doesnt count at all...wth? i dont know where the hell to start?
can i not include my heart in this situation? i guess not...haha.
this is the only tumor that's been trying to control me...as for the moment this is the only thing that fills up the empty spaces for all those missing emotions that an average person should have - in other words, this is keeping me alive...in my weirdest moments i feel im complete coz i have these silly emotions.
Unless there's someone else that can take his place - this could be another option that i can consider too...
OMFG!
i better read another book...or browse my favorite website...listen to Fiona Apple, Anna Nalick, Fefe Dobson and Michelle Branch all day looooooong.
so i'll be inspired.teehihi.
enihoos, havent told you about this person I met in facebook...we got the same name, both of us we're born on friday the 13th, different month...older than me,wearing eyeglasses too, likes qoutes and poems or any literary works... also interested in photography (actually my wallpaper/background is a picture of Mt.Apo taken by him) - oh yeh...he's a guy.i thought he's a girl...haha, i was kinda excited pa naman to meet someone with the same name as mine...eh,Guy naman pala siya...well, originally naman kasi ang name na Joyce is for boys , if you look at the history famous "Joyce" are guys...haha! i love my name...this is the 2nd thing na pinagpapasalamat ko kay erpat (the 1st is of course ung semilya niya na bumuhay saken) . And guess what? Joyce's sister got the same name too....so there's 3 of us sharing the same name XD.
And another guess what? haha...im talking (actually chat lang) to Joyce right now in facebook (as i blog this) and he's in NJ now for vacation, he'll be back by January and more likely we'll see each other, why? because he'll give me Midnight Sun and Breaking Dawn ng Twilight Saga..........aaaah putanginang yan! Nagulat talaga ako, we barely know each other...and he's gonna give me this books and lecheng yan pinagiipunan ko na nga para mabili ko ung 1 set,meron na palang 2 naka-save para saken. Yahoooooo!!!!! hahaha...tenchu tenchu :)
In exchange i'll give him PAULo Coelho books
enihoos, here are some of the excerpts from the original "brain tumor got a face" which can be viewed completely in facebook ( not everyone can see/read this though...its only for my "biglovefriends" )
i've been thinking about him like every friggin day, i swear from the moment i open my eyes...he'll be the 1st person i'll think of...and i have no idea how often do i think of him for the rest of the day, but i know he'll be the last person im gonna think of before im completely knocked out!
this all boils down to one thing - im attracted to him shit.
but then again, i've created my own ghost...it eats up all the happy thoughts i have with tumor and haunting down all the wonderful moments i could share with him. At some point,tumor fed that ghost with "reality"
like when he told me that he's still trying to save his relationship with a different woman that time.
and knowing that we can hurt each other too...
a cliche as it may seem - but its like we dont wanna ruin whatever "we" have.
when he told me about his feelings ( if i remember it right ) he's honest enough to tell me that he doesnt wanna hurt me, and i guess weak enough not to fight for what he really feels ( or maybe that didnt matter to him that much,the least priority...maybe and maybe because i dont know how i felt about him too )
i understand and i wasnt mad at all if at that point he became coward & who knows maybe he created his own ghost too...i should be able to know exactly how he feels ( most of the time ) since we're born on the same star
he made me realize my WORTH
my patience for this guy is totally unbelievable, it surprises me most of the time too. I've been single for almost a year and i have saved myself from any other guy,thinking that i still have a chance being with him
just to qoute a few lines from "By the River Piedra I sat down and wept"
by Paulo Coelho
If pain must come, may it come quickly. I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him. Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.
this is what my heart tells me to do.i wouldnt know if this is right ,but so far im ok with this.
im brave enough to take risks and the ghost that used to scares me to death is gone.
i just wanna get this over with, i'll allow myself to be with him for a moment if something good will happen after, then so be it...if there's nothing more then i'll move on...just like that...
i got some weird reactions/comments on this entry (hahaha)
cheesy? u can say that again.
done: 2:45 Monday morning