and that's Pablo Banila

[NP MY HERO: Paramore (originally by Foo Fighters)]

Hello guys, its been days since I last wrote an entry again, its just that there's just too much, a lot of events had occured during the course of this week, I didn't have the time to examine much on the things that I should do or even my emotions.

Things are seemingly going back to normal for my family. Well my dad, I think he is sober now after almost 2 weeks of getting wasted and drunk.  I really thought he would not mind going to my lolo's wake a few days ago upon receiving the news of my Lolo's death. My Lolo Victor died at the UERM Hospital last Tuesday. His health started to collapse almost a decade ago because he has suffered a mild stroke, this had made him paralyzed and unable to talk for the last years of his life. My relatives on my father's side were the ones who took care of him. I never really knew much about them, even their names, but I felt worried when I received the news. I was kinda surprised when my dad approached me  days ago and told me that we should go to my lolo's wake. I felt a little glad, cause finally, after days and days of being like someone who doesn't care about himself, and what will happen to him, there he was... he cared about my Lolo, his uncle.

Days before receiving the news, I was stunned when I saw butterflies on my way to paying some bills in the morning. I always have this feeling about black butterflies being some sort of messengers of the dead people close to you or maybe your relatives sending out their goodbyes to their remaining loved ones. It felt weird... and then the news came.

Its a mixed of a happy sad reunion. My daddy was suddenly reunited with his cousins, and uncles, while I was introduced to my other cousins... and most specially I met some of my grandparents again. I saw Paolo again, and Kuya Eric. 

Kuya Eric is special to me because he was the one who taught me how to play the guitar, he used to be in the under ground music scene, he loves punk and kundiman music LOL. I still can remember him teaching me to play those kinda songs but really, maybe I am not really musically gifted. I thank God that when he taught me how to play it was not the time where emo and the so called sell music was popular hahaha tatawagin din niya akong EMO. Tae. XD He is good in listening to a certain song and then after 5 minutes he can already play it, while I can't even tune my guitar but I can read tabs LOL, pero siya hindi XD.

I heard a lot of funny stories about my titos, titas, and specially about my other cousins at mga kalokohan nila.

Sabi nila parang di daw ako Dingding, di ako nainom, di ako nagsusugal hahaha. It comes naturally in our bloodline daw. Well maybe its because I am both Dingding and Rivera and all many others XD.

On the mass on his last day... I saw my relatives cried. It was really something I do not want to see. One of the saddest memories I've had was in my grandma's (my mom's mother) funeral upon arriving in Zamboanga, pagbaba ko palang ng habal habal although I was really exhausted I cried river of tears. And I saw it again. I was avoiding to look at the coffin or even touch it cause I did not want to cry.

Surprisingly di naman ako naiyak. Maybe because of exhaustion and many other things inside my head.

Right after the burial, my other cousin, Paolo approached me and told me he wanted to relocate my Lolo Melchor to the same cemetery where my Lolo Victor was burried. I felt touched. I know where ever my Lolo Melchor is he will be very happy to know that his favorite grandson cared about him so much.

After all of these things happened. Suddenly I felt like I need an overhaul for myself. Paminsan minsan naman lumingon ako dun sa mga kadugo ko kasi napakadami pala nila kahit walang okasyon di ko pa rin sila dapat kalimutan. Kailangan ko na din gisingin sarili ko na matagal nang di alam anong gagawin sa pagkakafrustrate sa Oriental Photographix na yan.

Maraming tao na katulad ng tita ko, na lubos na pinagpapala, di na nagrereklamo kahit na ang daming nakasandal sa kanya. Ang isa ko pang tita na ngayon nakikipaglaban sa cancer, na talaga namang kinasasama ng loob kong malaman na ganun ang kalagayan niya, di pa rin siya sumusuko.

Kaya wala akong karapatan pang hinaan ng loob. WALA! Wala kasi nagsisimula pa lang ako sa buhay ko! Madami pang darating.

After writing my last post yesterday morning, here I am, feeling much better now.

I actually felt scared of opening my Facebook page when I woke up at noon today. Scared of what comments I might get from the people who read it. I cried when I read the comments. I do not know if  its because I pity myself or its because I've recieved some sort of sympathy, understanding... and love  from other people which I had been looking for so long.

I know I am much stronger than all the pain that I've been going through all these years. Thank God for all the strength that He has given me through those people who always believe in me specially my mom.

I am starting to reassemble some of the broken pieces of my being since I know I can't afford to be down again. I started with rennovating my online portfolio... 2 days ago, I was told not to report in the office anymore. Di pa ako nakakapagreport regularly sa work ko. It was so sudden, they rejected me, when they didn't let me prove myself to them. I went home silent... and broke the news to my mom. She tried to enlighten despite what happened. But me... I just lost my self-confidence and was so mad. I pretended though that I am still okay. But really, I am not.

I don't know when I can finally finish my online portfolio since I want it to be beautiful. I am having a real hard time finishing this because of my computer's problem. Daming trojan at worm. Hayyz. Ayun laging lag. Plus the tons amount of image files stored, and low RAM.

Here's the link of the draft of my online portfolio:
http://yummydingding.webs.com/v2/index.html

I'm still gonna edit some of the codes, di ko alam bakit naurong yung bg ammf. Wala pa ding laman yung ibang pages maliban sa HOME at ABOUT.

I am gonna use my online portfolio on finding models to shoot... FOR FREE in EXCHANGE I will give them the final frames and have them printed FOR FREE.

Sumaya din ako ngayon cause I had a fun conversation with Gerard. One of my ex's barkadas in Parkway. He wanted to conduct a photoshoot with me. We're both excited but its kinda difficult to find the props needed for the shoot. *DIES*

Sana talaga matuloy yun para masaya hehehe.

I am kinda addicted to Paramore's The Only Exception song lately... Parang natamaan ako sa bitterness niya sa love and then towards the end of the song she chooses to believe in it. It kinda made me think of him again., I haven't talked to him for 2 days na. Alam kong galit siya sa mundo ngayon due to some instances that happened 3 weeks ago. I've never seen him go mad like that. Nag-aalala ako.

Hmm so I think this wraps it up. Normal na ulit ako.
Good moorning gotta go to sleep.

Growing up raised by a couple whose relationship is on the rocks since the beginning of their married life is like a living curse. It always makes me wonder how did they end up being together and decided to have their child... me? I often wonder how did their lovestory sounded like when I was a kid. I even asked more questions each time I see them fall apart. As I was molding myself to becoming an adult... my heart has become brittle.

I have no one with me since I have no siblings. That didn't seem to be a big deal to me, I like being alone most of the time. I feel contented with my being alone for I fear expressing my feelings and thoughts to other people and I don't want to be rejected. I don't wanna be insulted. For exchanges of insults is what I always hear from the both of them when they are fighting. I just keep my mouth shut but do cry a lot of times as well.

My parents were the first ones to broke my heart.

Each time I promise myself that I won't get affected when things crash down again, I just can't take it. I don't want to blame them for all the misfortunes, and financial set backs that occur in the family business, my academics, and many others but I do feel angry and every thing.... I could feel hatred arising over and over again though I keep on killing it.

Someone is just simply pulling us down because of his insecurities, desperation, and his abuse of alcohol. No matter how we try to start and prosper we will eventually pulled down. He always listens to other people... but he doesn't care about us. All he cares is himself, how he will get pleasure from alcohol, living like a Nomad, asking for some money and spend it for the nonesense things.

My heart turns gray each time he blames my mom for whatever mistakes he has done. And I don't get it.

I wish I was a girl with no dreams who can live with his attitude so that I won't need to worry much about what might happen to me in the future if I did not end up the way I wanted my life to be like.

For some strange reasons I think I am the only one in our bloodline who has developed interests in arts, photography, drawing, painting... But I did not took any course related to arts in my college days. BTW I am not enrolled this semester and I do not know when I come back again.

Somehow I can still feel that I am like him. I got a huge ego and I don't want to end up being a loser. I wanted to be ahead of every body else. I already cursed him for so many times. I know its bad but I hate seeing him being a big nothing!

I hate people who always say that they are worthless and they should die specially when don't do anything to be worthy of your respect.

For many years... I cannot comprehend still how he manages to do that. He'd drink, go nuts and emerge as someone the following day who'll talk to you very casual as if nothing happened. He has never ask for forgiveness. I kinda memorized all of his antics that now I just do not react even if he passes outside the gate of our house. Its nothing.

My Mama has never done anything unreasonable. Almost every thing she does is for our own good. If he would just help her. Maybe something big would've happen to our family.

I am just simply tired of all of this. Having someone who unendlessly breaks your heart.... who happens to be someone you can always run to in happy and rough times is really something you would not want to deal with for the rest of your life.

I am still praying that I won't let my defenses down. Sometimes I would wanna do crazy things or even take my life so that I won't have to see it. Maybe I need a miracle.

I just really wished that love never exists so that maybe I won't feel guilty if I tell him to go away or go to hell. And maybe I am not feeling miserable.

I feel thankful that I am still sane despite all of this though I really wish I get numb.

I am not wondering anymore why I am never really serious about relationships with the opposite sex. There's just this huge amount of fear I feel. I like someone now... but I prefer to keep that to myself. I am just happy that he's around and makes me smile.. shares his music the things that we both love. I always reminisce the moments we had spent together, the way he looks at me, and touches my hand although we are not what other people think we should be...

Maybe I know somewhere in my mind, love never lasts. I feel contented with the lonely feeling cause its more comfortable than getting love and suffer for the rest of your life and its not even worthy of taking the risk. Just maybe.

For the past two weeks I had been waiting for my training in the studio. I was rejoicing when one of the senior photographers told me that I was gonna be assigned for her studio and will be trained as soon as possible. This sounded music to my ears. I went home smiling although I really got wasted because they made me travel from North to South just to tell me those things. I knew that my mom would really feel happy about it. Cause she knows I will help her with all her troubles once a company will hire me.

I haven't recieved a text message, email or any phone calls after that. Waiting is like dying for me. Every one last week went to school to enroll and with their friends. I know I am gonna miss school. My heart turns gray each time I remember some of those people I know I will not be able to see for quiet sometime because of my decision. I don't like staying at home. Seeing one of my family members getting drunk and do unpleasant things really sucks. I can't help but feel discouraged and disgusted. And really makes me want to start working so that I won't be able to see him destroy himself more and more. I don't care if it means that I would work my ass off, I just don't wanna end up stupid and stubborn like him.

Last night, one of my closest friend had a long conversation with me thru FaceBook. Some of you might already knew him. It added up on my misery being not enrolled this semester, I know he's also all alone, and I can feel the loneliness caused by 'not fitting in' anymore. Every one's gone, he hoped that I'd stay but I can't. We need to deal our own troubles all by ourselves now.

Today, I just can't explain the feeling. I feel stupid and many more. I prepared for that analog training not knowing that I might not really undergo with it. Well, my mom just keep on texting the HR manager of the company about any updates. I just wished she didn't do all of that.

I don't know if I was gonna get mad when they told me that will have a meeting tomorrow again about me dahil alangan daw si boss sa akin. WHY ON EARTH IT TOOK SO LONG PARA MAREALIZE NIYA YUN?

I don't really know. Whatever happens with that meeting tomorrow I gotta feeling that I won't enter that office again, ever.

[as much as I can I do not want this entry to sound like a lovesick entry I think it'll go that way still soo... lemme start this bullshit.]

As far as I can remember, there were a lot of times na dito lang ako nagsusumbong ng mga hinanakit ko sa lalake in the past lolz. I am not so sure this time kung yun pa rin nga ang gusto kong gawin. Mama's somewhere out there na kase. Ughh. In due time, I guess I would have to delete this blog for my own safety hahaha. Nabibingi na ako sa mga panunukso niya.

Back to what I was trying to say... I wanna let some my feelings about this guys be revealed. NOT TO HIM OF COURSE haha. I just wanna let this go. Napupuno na kasi ako ng kapraningan simula nitong November. Yayain niyo nga ako lumabas haha. Nang makasagap ako ng polusyon ng Maynila!

I've known him for years already. He's one of the closest college friends I met. Siguro kasi rakista kami pareho kaya medyo kami nagclick ever since that day we had a conversation. Sanay ako lagi na lagi niya akong kinukurot sa cheeks o di kaya sa tagiliran.

Sa circle of friends ko kasi sa college halos puro guys lahat konti lang girls. Or maybe you can call me as 'one of the boys'. Pero kahit ganun, di naman nila talaga ako sinasama sa trashtalking at bullying sessions nila. They still respect me as I who I am.

Although kilala nila ako and close kami. I am still doing my own thing in school. Loner ako. I do things alone most of the time.

He's just one of those guys who would approach me pag nakikita nila ako mag-isa and loves to tell jokes and share things with me. Sometimes we talk about things like personal things, about his lovelife and stuff. He never listens though pag ako nagkwekwento about mine. Maybe cause its so EMO according to him LMAO.

Every thing became strange to me, when he started to hold my hand when we walked and teasing me every time he sees me. I've done my best to ignore it and treat him the way I did like before... But still he continues to do 'this'.  Medyo tinablan ako.

He's not the type of guy na I would usually get attracted... pero ayun. Dahil sa kalandian niya sa akin medyo nabaliw na din ako sa kanya. He has really cute eyes naman and he has a phenomenal voice for singing, but when he's talking para kang nakikipag-usap sa isang taong sobrang baba ng tono ng boses. I fear him when he yells. Para kang kakainin ng buhay. >:O

He made me lose control of myself. This one had happened a year ago with someone I really loved. I was not thinking rationally again. One night, I decided to pack up and bring my camera to this event and school, I presented myself as their photog. CRAZY FUCKER!

It was also that night that I could not forget that he kissed my hand. I died.

I do not know what to say anymore. He makes me feel happy, but he also makes me feel stupid. I do not wanna go any further than that. I wanna forget him. Its been days since I last saw him, and I am madly insane trying to forget about it.

Di ako enrolled ngayong sem na toh kaya malabo na magkita kami ngayon. AYAW KO NA NG GANITO NAKAKABALIW. Nagsasawa na akong tanungin sa sarili ko kung bakit niya ako pinapakitaan ng ganun?

AYAW KO NA UMASA. :|

Lord.... sana paggising ko ipatawag na ako sa studio. Yun lang Lord masaya na ako.

[currently downloading Corel Paint Shop Pro]

Today went along fine, the weather is certainly perfect. But the people aren't really well. Lalo na ang kanilang mind state. I hope you won't get bored in case you care to read about this bull crap. The environment that I'm in as of the moment isn't really good with to be involved with but I had no choice but to live this way. Aside from the boredom I am experiencing for the couple of days awaiting the training in the studio, I am slowly beginning to feel hatred with the people around me.

My family had been very generous to all of the people here. My mom had been very accomodating and patient to those people that shows up to her when they are in need specially when it comes to money though we do not earn that well. I can really say that my mom has really awesome ways in getting money as soon as she needs it. I personally do not like it when my parents do that frequently to their friends even if they are really close friends.

Maipagmamayabang ko talaga na ang nanay ko masipag at maparaan sa paghahanap ng pera. But I am so fed up with all thats happening right now. Here comes the big backlash of every thing that we had done for all those people that we helped.

Nawala na silang lahat. Dahil wala na kaming pera. Wala na ring pumapansin sa amin. Masama na din kami dahil madamot na daw kami.

Hey listen to yourselves people? Madamot kami?
How come? You sucked up everything that we had!

Masyadong magulo dito sa bahay. How I wish I could be assigned to Parañaque in case my vacancy ang position ng photog dun. I really hated the people here.

Puna sila ng puna sa pamilya namin. I KNOW RIGHT?! Di kami picture perfect family. My parents exchanged roles in bringing up the cash. I am gonna stop going to school to help my mom in my own way. We're still together though I know on the rocks kami ngayon.

How about them? Sugal dito, sugal doon. Inom dito, inom doon. Feeling rich ka boy? Asan na yung pambayad mo sa renta ng bahay?! Tsaka yung utang mo sa amin ilang years na yun ahh. Tsaka nga pala nagpaflactuate yung kuryente sa kwarto ko, bakit ganon? Nagjumper ka ba sa amin? Nga pala yung cellphone mo kinuha nung asawa mo at nung kababayan mo. Nakuha yung number ng GF mo. YARI KA.

Nahuhurt ka? Wag mo kasi kaming pinapakialaman. Magtrabaho ka na lang at mamuhay ng matiwasay.
Okay ba yun?

HOHOHO. I think it spent almost two weeks of staying up late at night and going to bed before the sun rises. So how's every one here? Tskk, tagal ko na di nakapagblog dito sa PINAKA blog ko LOL.
 
UPDATES+BIRTHDAY AND MOM SPYING ON ME VIA INTERNET
As usual I got busy with school and things happened in my life again. I turned 21 last October 15 and suddenly I felt like a matured person in that instant. Di lang dahil sa nadagdagan ang numero ng edad ko. Drama has always been a part of my family, and now that I turned one year older its getting more intense I guess. But I will not share that to you anymore guys. Accdg to my mom by the way she has done some searching on the net infos about me, LOL so I will be careful of the things I sayy.  She actually read this blog and saw a post about my ex. So how cool is that hahahaha? She read all the drama and etc and she enjoys pissing me off about it. Sometimes I wonder why she can't get over with him.

Mama maghahanap ako ng bago. Wag na puro siya, nasa Amerika na nga e!

About my birthday... Nabreak na yung record ko nang laging nagbibirthday ng may sakit wala akong sakit nung 15 hahaha kasooo wala naman akong pera that time LMAO. I just stayed at home and secretly had a few drinks. Naging epic yung responses sa Facebook account ko tae hahaha. Puno yung screen hahaha.

THESIS MADNESS
Kakatapos lang ng defense ko hahaha. Angsaya gusto ko matulog ng isang linggo hahaha. Ang epic ni Jan magdefend ng system e. Isang beses lang kami nagovernight dun sa kanila at naaliw ako sa pamilya niya. Theyre so nice. Pati aso nila nice. Hahaha. Angelina ang name haha.

Ito ha thesis tip: Manahimik ka na lang kung wala ka naman talagang sasabihin sa thesis presentation kasi pag nadulas ka tatanungin ka ng panel, pag di mo alam ang sagot yari ka  na HAHAHA.

Sa awa ng Diyos ok naman. kaya lang ubos na pera ko hahaha. may documentation pa.

LABLAYP:
Ano ba yun? Alam ko alam ko yun e haha baka nakalimutan ko lang kasi tigang na ako sa pagmamahal LERLS Madami diyan na nakapalibot pero... walang sumeseryoso mukha ba akong nakikipaglokohan lang lagi hahaha?

Ayaw ko na magmahal magme MITAL na lang ako LOL.

Oh siya try ko na lang magkwento ng matino next time SOON XD

Hello guys, its been a while since I last updated my blogsite LOL. Well I updated it this time for its a part of my project in school. Di naman yata ako pagagalitan ni Mr. Admin hahaha kasi dun na sila nagmomoderate sa new embeded blog sa Rakista Profile sa Rcom. Itutuloy ko na ulit yung photoblog ko hehehe para masaya. Kung di pa ako nagkaroon ng project di ko pa magagawa toh eh noh XD

Madaming masyadong ginagawa... Ganun pa din ang buhay pero wala tayong magagawa. Ganun pa din naman yung mga reklamo ko sa buhay. I don't want to kill you with boredom so I won't talk about it anymore. Hahaha.

So gusto niyo ba yung design? I am having trouble with the moderation of comments kasi nakajs at div tags ako :P Peace tayo Kuya Harold, pagkatapos na icheck toh baguhin ko na yung codes. XD
Sige yun lang....

Sana wag niyo idelete yung isang blog LOL. Eedit ko pa yun. TY.

Dear God;

This year we have witnessed many deaths of our great leaders, and people that we look up to. We pray for their souls and for their great deeds that they've left not to fade away and never end like each ray of sun shining in the universe. May we never forget all their kindness, and their loving memory. I pray for their inspiration to grow in our hearts. Help the people they've left to carry on and lead a meaningful life like what they did. May we start to make a journey again. Help us lessen the pain we feel because of their lost. Make us understand that death is not end of it all.


 Amen.

Dedicated to: Michael Jackson, Francis Magalona, and President Corazon Cojuanco-Aquino

Hello, magandang umaga Pilipinas its already 2:07AM at gising pa ako. Well I just finished my layout (trial) design for our thesis. Ilang araw ako nabadtrip dahil di ako makagawa niyan XD In fact my last post is the evidence hahaha grabe pag eemo ko dun hindi ba?!



Hahaha walang laman XD

Actually, talagang nahirapan akong tapusin siya kasi naman anak ng tokwa't baboy 11PM na ako nakakasimula gumawa at nakakatulog na ako 3AM. Di na ako magtataka kung bagsak yung preliminary exams ko. Pag araw kasi tulog na utak ko saka na gagana pag gabi ulit hahaha. Tuluyan nang bumaliktad ang cycle ng sleeping hours ko.

ABOUT COSMANIA
Di ko na masyado hinagard ang sarili ko today. Gumala lang ako maghapon. Nagpunta lang ako sa volunteer meeting/interview ko for COSMANIA event. Nag-apply na naman kasi akong marshall eh. Pero honestly I feel scared with this one hahaha. Medyo mahaba-habang tanungan kanina. Sa dami siguro ng nag-apply as volunteer they wanna make sure mapapakinabangan nila talaga makukuha nila. I think if ever I got disqualified for the slot its because of their super duper agang preparation which is at 2AM. Yes, that's what they told me hahaha. Nagulat ako XD And if I get accepted baka gawin nila akong taga hanap ng banda, cosplayer na nawawala during the event or taga bantay ng gamit XD Laging pointer ko yata yung pagiging moderator ko sa Rakista ftw LOL

I am not excited about it now. I do not know why... Siguro kasi sa dami ng ginagawa ko XD Pero siguro pag yung day na na yun dumating baka naman sumaya ako. I just can't get over the Cosplay Fusion experience. I met a lot of cool people and cosplayers and photographers. Every one is great! I wanna have some fun kahit minsan lang XD

I suddenly found myself surrounded by different types of people. Well, most of my friends know that I am not really fond of talking to people pero at times like cons or Rakista events nagiging ibang person ako. I wanna see more of that from now on kaya gusto ko na lagi nagpupunta sa ganun. :>

Kung hindi ako matanggap baka wala naman kasi akong makasama pumunta :\

HATERS
Speaking of different types of people... I just really have enough of HATERS dati meron din naman akong mga haters. Well, I dont fuckin' know why. Pero dati sa ibang forum site na sinalihan ko I remember I always get some pambabara even if I know that my replies/posts are not OT. I seldom post nonesense things on boards. Its not a big deal really with me but sometimes it is. Specially when these people know my private contacts such as my mobile number.

**That is why I deleted my contact details on this blog. I even bought a new sim card.
Dalawa na cellphone ko ngayon. But I still seldom send text messages to friends LOL.

I just read someone else's plurk page at sus ang daming hate messages hahaha. Really retarded. You will feel bad for the person na nilalait lait nila and that is being read pa by the public. I don't understand what's with being mean without a meaninful reason? O di kaya naman wala naman kasalanan sa yo yung tao bakit galit na galit ka? Kasi panget siya? Ikaw maganda ka ba?!


GAMERTOTOY
Today I read Gamer Totoy's blogsite again, well because a friend of mine told me that GT had finally apologized for every thing he wrote about the cosplay community. It was like the world is coming to an end.

If you don't know GT or Gamer Totoy, well, he is best known for his blog posts on Blogger, downing, criticizing and making up stories about cosplayers and the whole cosplay community. He hates cosplay and cosplayers with a passion. :| I did not know what happened to him when he said sorry and suddenly wrote about his unwanted past being molested wearing a costume... I just felt like it was also made up because he just feared so much that something bad would happen to him if won't stop writing his stupid crap.

He generalized his whole hatred over the whole cosplaying craft, the whole community dahil dun sa nangyari sa kanya. There could be trauma or some psychological impact but yeah this whole story is like what you see in horror movies hahaha!

Well I am glad that he just wrote today a new entry about SENTAI  COSPLAY. I just hope that his previous entry was true. Kung totoo naman yun. I hope he gets vindicated in time.

I don't really know what are the exact words that would really fit to express how am I feeling right now. There are just a huge amount of negativity deep inside me. I am still not doing well in school, back at home, things are still chaotic, my mom just wanna do so much and I feel bad for her when I see how hard she works but there's some people trying to ruin every thing. They benefit for every thing she had worked for... and still wanna run over us.

I don't have much time to enjoy whatever I wanna enjoy right now. I sleep very late and I wake up very early. And everytime I come home things are just not cooperating.... Its really not doing well. Umaatake yung loner instinct ko. Gusto ko na lang muna mag-isa sa buhay ko. Pakiramdam ko di naman yata nakakatulong na kasama ko. Sa dami ata ng panenermon sa akin lalo akong naging matigas ang ulo, tortured na utak ko sa kakaisip ng mga sinasabi nila o di kaya kakaisip ng kung anong dapat gawin. Lagi ko na lang yata tong nasasabi.... matanda na ako pero wala pa rin silang tiwala sa akin. At wala pa rin silang ibang alam kungdi diktahan ako sa gusto kong gawin.

Wala na akong mapili sa kanila. Wala na akong mahanap ng taong kadugo ko yata na nakakaalam kung ano ba talagang gusto kong gawin at bakit iyun ang gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko.... Paminsan minsan naiinggit ako sa mga kakilala kong independiente na sa buhay. Pero alam kong samo't saring paghihirap ang narasan nila bago nila nagawa yun. Yung iba masaya at yung iba naman malagim ang naging consequence ng naging aksyon nila... marahil na rin siguro sa karma dahil marahil di nila naisip ang kapakanan ng ibang tao. Pero alam ko maswerte pa rin naman ako... At least buhay pa ako. Kaya ko pa mag-aral dahil kahit wala naman kaming kaya nakakapag-aral pa ako sa semi-private college, may cable kami, may internet connection, may dSLR at kung ano ano pa di mo naman aakalaing ang mga katulad namin ay magkakaron.

Pumasok ako ngayong umaga na iniwan ang bahay sa pangagalaga ng pinsan ko kasama ang tatay ko. Wish ko lang na sana pagbalik ko okay lang sila. Pero katulad ng klima kanina... umaraw umulan di nangyari ang wish ko. Masakit pero ikukuwento ko. Pagbalik ko ng bahay pinsan ko lang naabutan ko sa tindahan. Pansamantala kasi siyang nakikituloy sa amin habang nag aantay ng trabaho sa ibang bansa... Kwento pa niya sa akin nawala daw yung ibang benta sa tindahan maya maya pa... lasing na yung tatay ko.

Lagi namang ganito yung senaryo eh. Pero may mga panahon talaga na katulad nito na nananawa na ako sa pagpapasensya sa kanya. Di ko alam kung bakit sa tuwing dadating yung mga seaman na customer namin sa pagkain dito ay halos gusto na niya ako ibenta....  Pakiramdam ko gustong gusto niya akong ipamigay dun sa mga tao para lang sumikat siya. Pakiramdam namin ni Mama, gusto niya kaming ipagkalulo basta lang magmukha siyang mabait sa mga kainuman niya at dun sa mga di naman talaga nakakakilala sa amin. Ilang beses ko na ikinatuwa na si Mama napipikon sa kanya... Alam nyo kung bakit.,,? Gusto ni Mama magkanya kanya na lang kami...

Gusto ko naman talaga mag solo na eh. Kahit walang pc, cellphone at limited allowance o kahit wala lahat nun! Gusto ko lang makawala na sa pamilyang wala nang nangyari kungdi mag away maglaitan at kung ano ano pa. Di ko maintindihan kung bakit ni hindi niya sinubukan magbago. Di ko maintindihan kung bakit noon di agad nalaman ni Mama na ganyan pala siya. Di ko alam kung bakit niya ako lagi sinisisi dahil nagbago na daw ako ng ugali nung lumaki ako. Kasalanan ko bang natutunan ko ang mga bagay bagay sa mahirap na paraan. Kasalanan ko bang di ko basta basta hinahayaan ang kahit sino na husgahan lang ako? Kasalanan ko ba na nasasaktan siya sa mga sagot ko sa mga sumbat niya?

Nakakasawa nang puro sila na lang lagi ang nasusunod. Aanhin mo pa tong computer kung di rin lang ipapagamit sayo kung kailangan mo? Kung magiipon ka kukunin naman yung pera mo kasi kinupit mo? O di kaya didiktahan ka pa anong dapat mong bilhin! Wala ba akong karapatan na magustuhan kung ano ang gusto ko? At gawin kung ano ang gusto ko? Di ba ako karapat dapat pagkatiwalaan? Pagkatiwalaan niyo na rin naman sana ako sa pamimili ng kaibigan at mga alis ko.

Wala akong balak magpakakuba dahil sa paghahanap ng pera sa paraang di ko naman gusto katulad ng ginagawa niyo. Alam ko namang malawak ang sales knowledge niyong dalawa. Pero ayaw ko magtinda. Di rin naman kayo aasenso na dalawa dahil di kayo nagtutulungan. Alam ko dapat matagal na tayong mayaman kungdi lang masyadong mapanghila pababa si Papa.

Wala na akong gana sa kahit ano ngayon. Pagod na pagod na ako na kasama kayong dalawa.

Sana hayaan niyo naman ako mag isa.

Kakaiba ang atmosphere sa akin ngayon ng mga bagay bagay. Yes, aside from me being nocturnal again... I had been realizing and reminscing things in my life. I remember na July din last year I began to experience stress in my life in a much different level, a large amount of it is caused by someone else's disappearance which broke my heart. Naiinis lang talaga ako sa sarili ko when I recall what I had been through dahil sa kanya but now its much more of a thing that you dont wanna waste your time talking about. I know there's stil pain but its not the same, it does not bother me anymore. I can already laugh about it.

He will remain special to me kahit hanggang ganun lang ang inabot ng relasyon namin in the past. Since di ko talaga maitago sa sarili ko na natutuwa ako pag kausap ko siya. At paminsan minsan nasasaktan ako, o nalulungkot pag alam ko na malungkot siya.

Laughtrip lang talaga ako sa issue nila ng Mama ko. Pinagtripan siya ng Mama ko the last time he went to the house yun ang kwento ng nanay ko sa akin and after ages naikwento din nya sa akin ang ginawa ni Mama by asking kung may galit ang nanay ko sa kanya hahaha. Maybe her instincts told her na may secret affair kami kaya ganun ang treatment ni Mama sa kanya which really amuses me hanggang ngayon XD.

Every time he would leave the house my mom would ask me what we've talked about, what he's up to and blah blah. And would tell me wag  ko daw yun pipiliin/sasagutin which is really weird cause I did not even tell her na nanliligaw sa akin yung tao, or nagpaparamdam that time. Eventually naging boyfriend ko kuno naman siya, so, ayun si Mama naman todo asar sa akin dun. AND I WOULD LIE SABIHIN KO HINDI NAMAN LOL.

The break up was so soon. It was not clear to until finally it was clarified early this year. I was hanging by a moment and when it came it was painful but it ended it much better. I barely remembered us bonding, eating in a resto, or whatever. It was just that event where there common friends and suddenly he asked me to be his gf.

Nawala na rin siguro ng ganap galit ko sa kanya after he told me that he assumed that my mom was really mad at him kasi di daw niya ako natrato ng maganda nung kami... Well di naman galit nanay ko sa kanya LOL, I never told her about us. (Cause if I did di na sana siya nakaapak ng bahay namin the last time hahahaha.)

Kagaya ng insomnia ko, madami pa akong bagay na di ko halos natatanggal sa sistema ko... Isa na yata ito sa mga yun. I just learn to live with it. I am reminiscing the things... pag sawa na ako o naging normal na sa akin makakalimutan ko din toh.

Sumuko na kasi ang utak ko sa attempt ng pag reformat sa kanya...

Nadala yata ako sa mga labsik plurks na mga nababasa ko sa mga kaplurk ko. Hahaha. Di naman ako nawawalan ng pag-asa, di ako panget hahaha. Di ko lang talaga naattract ang gusto kong lalaki ngayon. It really annoys me when ang naattract ko yung mga malilibog or yung mga bulalas....I can't see myself enjoying their company. Ang hirap lang talagang hanapin ng 'the one' na yan. XD

I had been busy doing things that aren't really part of my priorities right now. And you can tell already that I am getting nowhere because of all this. I felt like I haven't had enough amount of sleep for the last 3 days. Its hard to belong below the society... Mahirap maging mahirap kahit na di naman kami ganun kahirap. I still feel like di lang talaga pantay ang mundo. The rich would always get what they want because they have all the money in the world while the poor does the job for the bummersss. Wala nag eemo lang ako dahil sa mga soap opera na pinapadownload nila sa akin. Bakit ba kailangan ko tong gawin????

Sana lang malaman ko na kung ano talaga ang gusto ko sa buhay. 5 taon na ako nagtatanong sa sarili ko kung ano ba talaga ang gagawin ko sa buhay ko. Ang alam ko lang gusto ko yumaman dito sa Pilipinas. Oo, ayoko mag-abroad. Kung mag-aabroad man ako di ko naman exhile ang sarili ko sa Pilipinas.. Di ako makakatagal sa ibang bansa. Gusto ko yumaman kasi, sawa na akong naghihirap. Sawa na ako magising na naririnig ang away ng mga tao sa bayad ng kuryente, tubig, load, internet at kung ano ano pa. Sawa na rin ako nang may nakikitang mga tao na gusto manghiram ng pera sa mga magulang ko eh wala din kaming pera.

Di ako pumasok ngayon. Dahil puyat ako. Dahil di ako nakapag review. Dahil babagsak ako kasi di ako nagreview. Saka na ako mag-eexam sa special child exam at least handa na ako nun. Lumibot ako kung saan saan at nagmuni muni. Wala namang pinagbago ganun pa rin ang set up ng lakad ko... Paikot ikot sa iisang lugar, ako lang mag-isa. Titingin ng camera, sapatos, at kakain. Titingnan bawat tao na nakakasalubong ko... sa MRT sa mall.

Di ko maintindihan yung babae kanina sa MRT kung bakit niya ako kinakalabit XD nung lumingon naman ako tiningnan lang niya ako sa mukha.... Kala niya siguro kilala niya ako. Kanina ko lang yata naexperience ang pinakanakakabadtrip na ride ko sa MRT.

Muntik lang naman ako malaglag sa riles dahil sa panunulak ng mga nasa likod ko sabay nagsara ang pinto ng tren. Ang saya muntik na ako mapisa XD. Pagpasok ko naman sa loob, nag eemo naman si ate na may katext, sure akong syota niya kasi panay tawag. Umiiyak na si ate dahil ang kulit ng bf niya, tawag pa rin kahit na nga ngawit na ngawit na siya kakahawak sa safety hands.. XD

Pag yumaman ako di ko na siguro dadanasin ulit ito. Pero magiging korni ang buhay ko. Lalo siguro akong magiging mapag isa. Masaya pa rin yatang magkomyut kahit mausok at masikip, at least nakakahalubilo mo pa rin ang ibat ibang klase ng tao.

Nalulungkot na ako... wala na akong nagiging buddy. Sana magkaron ulit ng taong kasa kasama ko sa mga lakad ko. The world is getting colder and I am alone. Di ako naghahanap ng syota. Gusto ko lang ng kasama. :|

I am still up... this is insane. I might collapse at school later. damn this life.
well, I dont know how he can do all this things unknowingly. he has still the power to make my hopes high and crushed them all in an instant. i thought that its all okay now. but a simple conversation about him reminiscing the past yesterday somewhat made me feel choked.

Bakit ba ganyan ang buhay?




Nakakabaliw pala magDL ng mga telenobela,
 pakingshet kasi bakit ako pinapagawa nito DX

Bakit ba di ako nagblog na?
Isa lang reason... TINATAMAD na ako mag-update tungkol sa buhay ko. But oh well, I do not know why I feel like I am obliged to update my blog XD Srlsy, I don't wanna talk about my life. I do not know what's with me hahaha.

Pero, siguro kailangan ko din magkwento pa rin paminsan-minsan para naman mabawasan mga worries na nararamdaman ko sa buhay. ALOT of things happened.

- I am struggling to keep myself better in school. Contrary to popular belief, di ako nag-e-excel sa academic life ko, its been like this since 2 years ago. I do not know if its because this field of study does not interest me anymore or I am just frustrated about the 2 failing marks I got that particular semester. And me not able to compensate.. I do not know why people still have the impression that I know every thing, its ridiculous!

Nanlalaki lang talaga mata ko pag sinasabi nila na magaling ako. Saan ako magaling???

Well I need to find my old self again, yung nerdy side programmer inside of me.

- Wala na kami. For some reasons... I just knew that we won't really last. In a short span of time ok naman kaming dalawa. Masaya. But it just faded too fast. Seldom conversations, SMS not answered made me feel like its pointless. I was not hurt, but I was disappointed. I realized maybe he does not love me anymore. I said goodbye he did not even ask why or tell me anything. It was the end.

CELLPHONE 8D
Slowly I think I am beginning to lose my social life LOL. Well, I am using a new phone now. Its not really new, pamana lang ni Mama sa akin cause my Asus phone wants to retire obviously, using that phone is very time-consuming for me. Lahat ata ng main functions di ko magamit dahil sa sira niya sa keypad. Well, my N73 also has defects because of the memory card stucked inside, but I can still use it compared to my old phone. I can now store new contacts! Hallelujah XD

CLAN LEADER - LEAVE
I already gave up my position as the founder of Art and Photo Clan in Rcom. I came up with this decision cause I don't want the clan to be in the idle state. I know I've got many plans for that forum but I can't balance every thing... I need to focus more on my priorities in school and at home.

COSPLAY SCENE
I find myself more interested in cosplay and like photography.. its also expensive. I am currently having problems with 2 pairs of contact lens right now. XD



Last night... I was stunned with what I've read on one of my plurks. Click here

My initial reaction to this is really anger. I was so mad. What the hell do I have to do with the insane chase between the chase of this two sisters? My only connection to her sister is that I am one of her sister's friends. I was introduced to her by her boyfriend. YES! That boy with the ugly face, gadamet!

I am not the one who initiated their friendship/romance/katangahan/kaemohan whatever you call it!

What Rakista.com got to do with it? Rakista isn't liable for whatever happens with any offline activities of its members. Its pretty normal that we bond with people we sometimes meet on Rakista. Making friends isn't bad. And malalaki na yang mga yan kung gusto nila magsyota go ahead!

And I was not a moderator of Rcom that time.

And how would I become an accomplice? I haven't seen them since November 2008.

You cannot get anything from me because I don't know anything.  I think you people love too much drama. A piece of advice, alam ko namang puro salita ka lang, that's what I've heard, you must be careful with the words you tell other people cause if someone have taken it seriously, you can charged with "Unjust Vexation".

With all the things you've said enough na yun para dun. Iipitin mo pa ata records ko sa school at sa government. BAKIT? Did we commit any capital offense?

You don't have the right to order us to search for your sister. You do your job, she is your sister. Kaano ano ba naman namin yun? Kung ayaw niya man mag-stay sa bahay niyo maybe you should examine yourselves before blaming other people sa paglalayas niya. Did you ever listen to her? She's not a minor anymore.

So tell me how can we be subjected to what you call scrutiny?


Thats all people.
 I don't know why I always meet a psycho every once in a while in my life.
I hope they read this LOL.
Changing my layout right now,

I was tagged by Ate Misce to do this hehehe. Well, since I long to blog but since I did not have any idea on what to write again ito na lang gagawin ko :D

Photo from Cosplay Circle and Alodia

We are all tired.... But it was reall really fun. MY GADDD!!! Alodia was just great, her mom and sis. And I really enjoyed the company of the volunteers. I was also happy talking with cosplayers about their costumes... Gahhh I am just so exhausted.~

I will never forget this. Thanks to all the people who picked me as a member XD

SAKA NA IBANG PHOTOS PLEASE!!!!!

Hi guys! I don't know really if I owe you an apology for not blogging for ages or maybe I don't (cause maybe you don't care anymore LOLs). Anyway yes, I am really really lazy doing things like these since I cannot remember.. Its weird cause before I am so addicted to blogging. Maybe sawa factor LOL.

I failed to document some beautiful memories of my life hahaha. There were plenty of beautiful events that passed the last few months that I never really want to blog. *sigh*

Maybe I'll just post some photos some other time lol.

School's back again, well, things are a bit nasty and exciting all at the same time. Unpleasant in the sense that I repeated some of my subjects that I failed to pass before and exciting cause after quiet sometime of locking myself inside the house, I am finally gonna be out every day for 5 months! May pagkakataon na naman para gumala lerls XD. Anyway, I think I should minimize my gala addiction. I think that its one of the major factors why I fail, and other one is the internet. Holy crap! I cannot really get over these vices.

CLASS SCHEDULE



Di pa finale yan XD!!!!
Above you can see, OR, Integral Calculus, and Logic Circuits and Design... repeater ako. huhuhu. Y-Y
Well, there are some changes already in the schedule... both my CSEL2 laboratory and lecture classes are dissolved. BUT, since we are all 4th year students it was combined into class under one professor. Magmi-meeting lang kami kung feel niya XD

Yung Wednesday class naman di naman yan nasusunod I think in the following days baka isingit nila between 7:30PM onwards yan... I hate going home late tsk tsk.

I thought that I was going to be all myself this semester. But what the fudge, I saw some familiar faces again. *evil grin* Kala niyo gagraduate na kayo ahh hahaha XD I really hope I could finish this all next semester...

A[H1N1] duhhhh???!!!
Well CCP is making some precautionary measures to prevent A[H1N1] entering our campus. Anyways di ko alam kung effective hahaha. They've been spraying some disinfectant on our hands and getting our body temperature before we enter the campus. Okay lang dati kasi nurses and clinic staff ang gumagawa nun. But now the security alone na lang gumagawa.. Enough na ba yun?

Di ba dati meron na ring ganitong case na halos sabay sabay na nagkatrangkaso ang mga estudyante pag simula ng pasukan? What's with A[H1N1] at grabe yung breakout niya? Nakakapagtaka madaming nakakalusot ng borders ng Philippines na may A[H1N1]. Bakit ba may nahahawahan na late na nadidiscover.

Never mind. XD

COSPLAY... 8D
Nowadays, I seem to develop another addiction... Aside from attending gigs and my cyber life 24/7. Spending so much money for cons or cosplaying events. Nagpapaka-nerd or isip bata ako. Well enjoy ako sa mga ganun hahaha, I get to photograph many subjects (cosplayers, and etc.)

When I met my bf, I did not know na mahilig siya sa mga anime' achuchuchu na yan cause he's metal. Napaka-stereotype ko mag-isip, lerls XD. And when we went out last summer, pumunta kami ng Ozine Fest, after that we planned to go to another con which is Toycon  held last June 13-14. And then nagulat ako sabi niya magko-cosplay daw siya nyahaha. Magko-cos din sana ako kaya lang di kompleto yung victorian gown ko e :-<


Anyway nagcosplay siya as Alucard. I came late to the venue kaya pagdating ko nagulat na lang ako LOL. It was unforgettable LOL. He was instantly recognized by people XD and he had the chance to be photographed with Ms. Alodia Gosiengfiao. They were like Dracula and Elizabeth Bathory because of the color of their dresses. For awhile I got out of place. lmao.


from left to right: Mark as Walter, Cedric as Alucard , Josephine and Alvin as Neo


Me and Alucard


Me and Tenga
I saw some friends who I haven't seen for ages from other forum sites that I've affiliated before. They were like me now, hahaha. I saw Tenga too. ^_^  (yeah the model of Pulp with prosthetic ears XD). He still knew my name though we didn't really spent much time together after we met long ago.

I hope that I get to see them again this Saturday at Powerplant Mall and I get to dress up for the occasion. Anyway, I also hope that I could be picked as one of the marshalls of the event. Hahaha. I think that would be cool. I wanna experience to be a part of the cons.


Joker and Darna
my two favorite cosplayers :>
aren't they awesome? 
Hope you read my entry LOL. Bye for now. I am gonna start doing my assignment on CSEL2... My own homepage XD Sounds easy para maging one week assignment.

PROJECT DAY CARE was proposed by Rakista members/moderators aninz (Nina) and Dhong (pintadoz) as a start on the Rakista Service Group's plans on making small community projects and welfare services. We believe that there are a lot of kids who needed help in having a good start of their school.

However, we know that this maybe a small community project but the efforts we needed is tremendous. We needed more people that will really support and give time in this project.

We are also running out of time on achieving the goals of this project. As of now, we only have 30 pencils and 20 notebooks which is really not enough for the daycare pupils of Advincula Daycare Center at Pasay. We need much more school materials and we need to raise funds to make this project push through before third week of June.

Any amount of money, school materials you will give  will be highly appreciated and will be crucial to whether this project will work out or not.

- To volunteer
*You can pass the poster on your Friendster, FaceBook, Multiply, Myspace, etc.
PakiGM mo sa Y!M, cellphone at sa bulletin board hahahaha...
TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND SPREAD THE WORD.
Rakista Cares for the community!

* You can download the poster and have it printed and post it in your respective places.

* SPONSOR FOR US.
Invite us in your events, bazaars and exhibits.


-To Donate
* We accept donations (cash, school materials, books, beginner pads, pencils, crayons, charts, etc.)

*We also accept plastic bottles, newspapers as donations.

To send them in kindly contacts us through the following contact details:
Contact: +639214445354 (Yummy Dingding) for details or
E-mail us at: yummydingding@yahoo.com
or send us IM via Y!M at:  yum_kenertee